I want to see a movie this week. a movie about zombies—-nazi zombies. I want to laugh with some girlfriends – some I see daily, and some I don’t. I want to see some free live music. I want to slide down waterfalls. I want to get a tan. I want to see some art. I want to kiss some boys. I want to have long conversations about intriguing topics. I want to stay up all night, preferably without being wasted.
I want to go for a long walk and have it be really really warm, but not sweltering hot outside. I want to hold hands with someone new who might make my hands clammy and my heart stumble. I want to cuddle with miss molly the wondercat some more. I want to run some days this week (but not all, because let’s be honest and realistic with these dream goals). I want to feel my endorphins fly and my heart pound out of my chest. I want to laugh with some good people and feel at peace about life. I want to be surprised. I want to feel happy for my friends’ well deserved happiness. I want to share important moments with complete strangers and witness something I’m not supposed to. I want to have an accident, a harmless silly one, and laugh it off.
I want to enjoy my job just for one day. I want to buy some good coffee and talk to others about good coffee and why it’s so superb. I want to go to the library and finally get my books on hold. I want to tell my closest friends that I love them and know that they know this already. I want to laugh so hard that I will cry, but not actually cry. I want to find a new band, or at least a new song, and like it and listen to it so much that it instantly shoots to my top played songs on my iTunes and I will then tell almost everyone I know how great it is. I want to not regret anymore, or at least not feel bad about regretting things out of my control. I want others to see me and smile, and think, wow, there is a happy person. I wonder how she got so happy.
I want to get to know complete strangers and see how I can affect their lives and how they can affect mine. I want to reconnect with family, have my brother call me and be happy he spoke with me, missing his kid sister. I want to belong, and lead, both with friends and at work. I want my long lost crush from across the country to think of me, if only for a second, and smile without realizing it. I want to cuddle fiercely into my makeshift body pillow and dream sweet, happy dreams and wake up in a puddle of my deep sleep drool, embarassed, even though noone other than my cat will know i drooled in my sleep.
I want to write some stories, and maybe even have other people read them and say "jodi you should write more, i like the way you write." I want to pretend I’m motivated/interested in writing poetry, and then after rambling for 3 paragraphs realize I’m horrible at it, but hey, at least I tried. I want to talk about starting a band with dara and then of course, never actually do it because I have no musical talent. but that would still be a really good idea, I would say. I want to make a delicious dinner and have a dinner party not for any reason, but just because. I want to have a super clean room, but not actually clean it myself.
I want some friends to come sit with me on my deck and help me drink some of my 70+ pbrs, because, hey, who doesn’t like free beer outside in the summer time. I want to walk around my apartment in my underpants and get caught by a cute boy who can see me through the windows, but without me knowing it. (because that would just be embarassing). I want to eat some of my ben and jerry’s strawberry cheesecake icecream from the freezer without feeling guilty, like it will go straight to my thighs. I want another dance party. I want to scream le tigre’s “deceptacon” at the top of my lungs like I did last Friday, bc cmon, that’s just a good fucking time.
I want my heartbreak to lessen, bc surprisingly, I think it’s already begun to at a faster rate than I could have hoped for. I want to wake up in the morning and sing to metric’s “twilight galaxy” and not be horribly offkey for once. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, and know that I look pretty with my summertime glow and no makeup covering my freckles. I want coworkers to enjoy my extra strong coffee and say “wow Jodi your coffee is good” and have it cheer them up.
I want to believe that just maybe, one of these things will happen to me this week, and when it does I can smile and just know everything happens for a reason, and you know what? I’ll be ok. I’m alive, and that really trumps it all anyway. I’m here, right now, and so are you. Let’s live together and make sure it all counts from here on out. I want that.
i like this.
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