i'm a mom, now. and it's the best thing ever. (day 31)

Day 31: July 31, 2014

Age: 11 weeks, 4 days

well, it seems my month long writing experiment is coming to its close. here we are, day 31 - and while i've only been blogging for 31 days, this blog coincides with the last few days of my maternity leave. i'll be back with more rantings, ramblings and reflections soon - but this will be it as far as the daily submissions go. it's been fun, thanks for joining me (and holdie). 

what i've learned in the  last 12 weeks:

1) that true love is impossible to capture into words. that parenthood really is the joy that you hear about. the best feeling in the entire world is locking eyes with the most beautiful little person you've ever seen and getting a giant gummy grin in return.

2) the definition of patience. before holden, i was impatient, self-centered, and incredibly anxiety ridden. now i'm just anxiety ridden for different reasons. this little marshmallow boy of mine has taught me the meaning of selflessness and that sometimes, you just gotta slow down. it's not always about you (me), and i'm all the better person now for it. even when my patience is being tested at its utmost peak - screaming and fussing and i'm convinced he hates me, clinging that little bear closer and whispering 'i love you' now, instead of getting frustrated and placing him in baby jail (the crib) is more likely my instinct option. even if the little dude does go to baby jail, i swear, it's only outta love.

3) breastfeeding was the right thing - for me. before i had holden, many women would ask me if i intended on breastfeeding my son. how the hell could i answer that? i had no idea what it would entail, and even though i knew about all of the obvious advantages/benefits (better immune system, bonding experience, cheaper than formula, convenience, etc.), i had no idea if my body would react the way it was supposed to. or if it would hurt like hell. or if the kid would even like my milk. so i would just shrug and reply that i'd give it a shot and see what happens. here i am, nearly 3 months later, and i'm nervous that my job will prevent me from being able to continue breastfeeding my son. nervous, sure, but i'm not going to let it control me. i love my baby boy with all my heart. he was born 2 weeks early, on the smaller side, and nothing makes me swell with motherly pride more than knowing that my nourishment alone, both in my 8.5 month pregnancy and the past 3 months of motherhood, has produced the large, roly poly healthy big ole baby he is today. drinking from my body, which i've taken care of, has solely been his nutrition and subsistence. and i'm proud to say this little dude hasn't gotten sick once, and is if my home scale is to believed, has already reached 14+ pounds. (he was 6 lbs, 9 oz at birth, 6 lbs, 3 oz when we  brought him home from the hospital). i understand 100% why some women opt not to breastfeed. it wasn't easy, at first. and health reasons. and sometimes not all women can handle fatass babies like me who keep demanding MORE MILK. i feel for these women, not because they can't breastfeed, but because so many people pass judgement on them. but then again, i feel like some people pass judgement on me or other breastfeeding moms - asking if i have a 'cover', am i 'one of those moms' who breastfeeds in public, have we started 'supplementing' with formula yet, etc. just let the moms be the moms. they know what's best for their situation and their baby. i'm actually pretty shocked that breastfeeding happened to be the right thing for me. i was convinced my body would throw a wrench in the mix (especially with my double lumpectomy last year), but now my heart hurts if i opt for an extra glass of wine and can't feed my son every feeding directly from the breast. i wasn't sure i'd be able to do it at all. i certainly never expected to love it.

4) everything else is white noise. the crumpled up laundry. the dirty dishes in the sink. the run i probably shouldn't went on but didn't. the ongoing ignored to-do lists. whatever. i love my baby boy. and i'm glad i spent every second held hostage on my living room couch this summer that i did. i wouldn't trade ten minutes of it for a week on the beach. (although, looking through past blog posts, maybe i would have back then). today, though, this dude is seriously the love of my life.  and i'm going to miss our days of 'doing nothing' when i head back to the real world.

5) people really, really love babies. or at least - pictures of babies. before holden, me and my friends would always bitch about babies. or the pregnant women who would post pictures of their stomachs on social media. 'gross!' we'd exclaim. once i found out i was pregnant, i assured everyone i would never be like that. i'd keep it clean and private, not baby spam up everyone's shit. turns out, even i couldn't stop myself. (one thing i kept my word on - noone ever saw my bare stomach when mister h was gestating - with the exception of my husband, my doctors, and two unfortunate random old ladies who happened to be using my work bathroom a few weeks before i popped and i unknowingly exited the bathroom stall with my shirt rolled up. only after i saw their confused looks of horror as they passed by did i realize my human basketball belly was hanging out. that was one of my more dignified moments.) but then, a funny thing happened. after i had H, people started asking to see pictures of him. so i'd post one or two. and they'd get way more 'likes' than any photo i had ever shared in my last 7 years on social media. for privacy purposes, i purged a good hundred or so 'friends' who i didn't recall ever meeting, or hadn't seen/talked to since i worked with him/her 10 years ago. and i locked my instagram on private private. but seriously, for all the shit talkers out there hating on baby pics? i'm beginning to think it all changes as soon as you give a shit about the mom/dad/kid and they're not just a random acquaintance anymore. that, or the baby lovers are much more vocal than the haters. i'll admit that i have a tendency to overdo it. and i'm guessing once i go back to work, the holden paparazzi show will have to slow down, because i'll be spending the bulk of my day making money to provide for my family vs. watching lost and boobing my little man. but i don't give a shit anymore. i've got a cute kid. ima show him off.

i know there's more to the story. more insightful lessons i've probably learned and will later facepalm myself for not including in this excerpt. but really, it was one hell of a ride. my first excerpt a couple months back, relating to the birth/hospital stay was the intro. this post is definitely nothing close to a conclusion. it's just the ending to the very first chapter in several more to come. the maternity leave. the babymoon. it's fucking breaking my heart, but it's coming to its end. as much as i wish i lived in europe or canada or whatever any other country than the us that gives their parents a WHOLE YEAR off, guess what, i don't. i live in the states. chicago. a pretty great city, albeit expensive and not the safest to raise a baby. but it's home (for now). holdie will get many more walks in the city, visits at grandma/grandpa's house, and be surrounded by his biggest fanclub and honorary aunties/uncles. starting monday, our family will begin a new routine. holdie will have daddy days on mondays, grandpa days tuesdays through thursdays, (and half days fridays), and mommy will get remote days on fridays to maximize the time with her baby boy. and get her ass to work. into pencil skirts and high heels. no more pajamas and messed up hair. (hence, why i'm getting it chopped off in 2 days). let's see if i still know how to make myself presentable and continue on adult conversations. use that other part of my brain. it can't be that hard, right? if i can master the first 3 months of caring for a newborn, and raising him into the porker baby he is today, i can tackle anything. 

i'm just going to miss him. oh so much. but we're strong folks. me and h? we got this.

30 down, 1 more to go: a month of mommying holdie bear

Day 30: July 30, 2014
Age: 11 weeks, 3 days

while i have 2 weekdays and a weekend left before my leave comes to a close, tomorrow is the official final day of my month of maternity leave writing experiment. i'll do my best to come up with some clever observations in tomorrow's 'final' post, but i'm sure i'll still be logging on here in the future weeks/months as i continue my journey into motherhood and holds accomplishes bigger and funnier milestones.

today was a very 'hands on' kind of day. i think my heart's starting to break/wrench and i'm more vulnerable than usual, knowing the light is at the end of the tunnel and my honeymoon with h man is coming to a close - or maybe it was just how freaking irresistably sweet/adorable the little dude was today (he had the same effect on his father after he came home from work for daddy duty), but i couldn't put the little porker down. literally. the 2-3 times i did put him down longer than what it took to race to the bathroom or pour myself a glass of water in the kitchen, h would start to fuss and not be having it. normally, i'd roll my eyes, get a little frustrated, let him 'cry it out' for a bit and just turn up the tv volume. but since i know i'm going to be missing these cuddle sessions, and since H never really cried, persay, i let him hang out with his mom all day. because that's what he wanted. and he's not always going to want to hang out with his mom. i get nervous he won't want mommy time when i go back to work. or will be too tired/fussy by the time i do get home to remember/love on me.

so today, i held him. all day. sure, most of it was on the couch. whether he sat reclined on my legs, sprawled out on the boppy pillow on my lap, suctioned onto either one of my always exposed boobs, or bounced on my torso as i continued to binge watch lost on netflix, h man was never out of my reach. maybe with the exception of our walk through the neighborhood, when we strolled through lincoln square, into ravenswood and up through winnemac park. he napped for the majority of our walk in the stroller, was up for maybe a third of it. but other than that, he was my velcro boy up until dad came home and i got my first jog of the week in at the river park.

we just put him to bed after dad rocked him to sleep and i gave him a final nightcap.

that kid - melts my goddang heart, i tell you. he really, truly does. i'm so going to bawl like a baby - more than holdie after his 2 month shots - when i have to go back downtown.

not fair.

one month of mommyhood: day 29

Day 29: July 29, 2014
Age: 11 weeks, 2 days

today was a very adventurous day! holdie took his very first venture with chicago public transportation on the brown line, mom and dad had 2 ginormous coffees in the morning, we visited dad's work, grandma's work (where h is pretty much more famous than ryan gosling with the ladies), went to the zoo, the lincoln park nature board walk, five guys (the most important destination), and home again - with no meltdowns! pretty incredible, if i say so myself. sure, h slept all of our zoo trip with the exception of being rousted for a cheesy photo booth snapshot, but it was a good day and we all had family fun. too bad we're just now getting comfortable enough with our outings now - 5 days before i go back to work. the only day vincent and i both have off together before i suit back up downtown is the day before i go back, sunday. boo.

oh well. h and i will make the most of it. he's sleeping now and i have icecream.

so i'm going to enjoy it and then pour myself a bubble bath to relax as much as i damn well please.

almost done with this monthly baby journal bizness: day 28

Day 28: July 28, 2014
Age: 11 weeks, 1 day

i kept thinking today was a saturday because my husband had off work today and also has tomorrow off and it was our 'weekend.' kinda feels like it, still. i'm not complaining, we had a really good/fun day and have plans for an excellent day again tomorrow, i think i'm just nervous i'll feel slightly jipped that by the time he goes back to work it won't be monday, the first day of my last week off from maternity leave, but instead, it will be wednesday, with only 3 'free days' and a weekend before i resume my 9-5. oh well. i'm just going to appreciate every goddamn second of it.

today we were supposed to take holdie to the lincoln park zoo and take him on the cta for the first time. instead, we opted to make our first reservation with the igo/enterprise car share system and do some more practical things, like go to target and trader joe's. having little to no luck on the apartment hunt front, its looking much more likely that we'll stay put in our humble lil 1 bedroom abode for another year. since it will save us cash, both in rent and in movers/new furniture fees, we decided it was time to do some minor rearranging to make it more comfortable and maximize the space. solution? transform the cat bathroom/bicycle garage/dining room into holdie's room. we didn't move the crib in there yet, as it wouldn't make sense to evict him from our bedroom just yet, but we did make room for it when the time comes. picked up some new curtains/rod which vin set up already, an area room rug with some color, storage containers to make h's changing station 'aka - our former dining room table' more accessible/organized, and cleaned up a lot of random shit. the end result is a roomier, brighter and more realistic nursery than we realized we were likely to get from the majority of the two bedrooms we have stumbled upon in craig's list.

so, despite holdie having a fit at target, in the car, and in the trader joe's parking lot - we managed to get by with mom behind the wheel and dad in the backseat around the city, accomplishing normal errands - together, and without the need to hitch rides from my in-laws. seems pretty small steps to most people, but i'm proud of our little family today. we're finally self sufficient. oh, and the best part of today? HOLDIE FINALLY SHAT. after not crapping for like 3-4 days, h bomb dropped plenty of h bombs. like, 4 or 5 in succession. big ones. so tomorrow we will have a happy, non constipated baby to take on a field trip to the zoo. (i'm just thankful this helped us avoid a really awkward brown line ride - 5 days worth of poop on the train - cuz knowing our luck, that's exactly what would happen).

now that it's 9pm, h is in bed and i'm finally able to relax, i think i'll do just that. this maternity leave has taught me a lot. i'm sure i'll write something more detailed and thoughtful in my final post with lessons learned, etc. but looking back the past 28 days, or hell, last 11 weeks - i went from not knowin

a month of h banana - day 27

Day 27: July 27, 2014
Age: 11 weeks!

other than the fact that my lil marshmallow still can't crap, today was a good day in the world of mister H. sure, he woke his mom up at 7 am with no additional naps, but when the little dude is all smiles and hamminess 5000, it's impossible to get upset with the little dude. we had a flirty mommy/son morning up until 11 or so when the whole root clan (uncle jamie, aunt annie and all three cousins! this is the first time H has met all 5 of his root fam members at the same time since he was born!) met up with us for an afternoon date in the city. we strolled down for a caffeine fix to starbuck's (i'm kinda missing on the perfect cup these days), and then i introduced the fam to taqueria el asedero. i had to explain the concept of real tacos to my family because we're all super white. 'umm, so there's no cheese - or lettuce or tomatoes in these tacos, just onions and cilantro and meat.' 'are they soft shell?' 'ummm, yes. corn tortillas. just trust me - they're good.' i have to give my fam mad credit though for taking my word on the cuisine and trusting my input, because everyone mostly got the tortas and loved 'em. the one niece who was too scared to try anything new without cheese wound up jealous of everyone else's lunches. and i heard my bro in the other room when i snuck away for holdie's feeding - 'we fed 6 people awesome food for 36 bucks!' yup, we sure did.

holdie apparently has a new favorite cousin - he not only hung out with ellie for a half hour, but hung out with her fuss free the entire time! magic touch, i'd guess. she was bouncing him around, whispering stories to him, 'hoarding him,' as my other niece called it, in the other room. 'she's standing with him between her and the wall!' whatever, kid. as long as he's not crying. i'm just surprised/happy that she was able to maneuver the potato sack as well as she could, given he's half her height. (literally).

after the root gang departed back to the burbs, mom and holds got an episode or two of lost snuck in, with the longest breastfeeding session ever. seriously, i'm praying this kid is going through his 3 month growth spurt, because if he's not, and the amount he's been chowing down is a permanent thing, mom's gonna go outta the milkin' business soon. in fact, after vin got home from work, his sister came over to babysit while he and i attended a work event at his job for a bbq for a couple hours. in the time span of 3.5 hours, homeboy sucked down 3 bottles - 9 ounces! that's a new record.

now mom and dad are home, relaxing on the couch, while mister H is gaga-ing in the crib to sleep. tomorrow is our last family 'weekend,' as vin has monday and tuesday of this week off, and it's my last week off before i go back to work. after tuesday, we'll only have sunday off together as a family. we're thinking we'll make the most of our time off and take holden to the lincoln park zoo and maybe get some grocery shopping done. figured, i've been holed up in this apartment, scared to take holden anywhere other than the neighborhood parks, now's the time to get out there and pretend to have a summer together. holdie's first cta ride! now there will be pics to go down for the books.

til then, ima do my best to keep my eyes open for another 45 minutes or so before i pass out like the sleep deprived senior citizen i am.

starbuck's vomit, raccoons, and holdie sparkles

Day 26: July 26, 2014
Age: 10 weeks, 6 days

I'm vincent and i just got done screaming the chorus-like "HOLDIE LIKES TO MOVE HIS LEGS.  MAYBE HE'LL POOP NOW, MAYBE HE WON'T" to a 10 & a 1/2 week baby while rotating his legs in a quick and mechanized fashion.  I also took quick song breaks to place my nose near his crotch to sniff & check for bowel movements, the result was strictly eating my sons farts instead of discovering the much desired end to constipation.

I'm tired. Jodi's tired.  I catch myself zoning out, mouth agape, traveling to unknown lands of mundane insomnia.  I just watched Raccoon Nation and Moose Attack! on Netflix, shortly after, Holdie Sparkles fell asleep after a fit of cemented bowel syndrome (CBS).  Parents, I'm not sure how you? we? do it?  I used to sleep 8 hrs, and I'm bitching/whining when Jodi averages less than me.  Screw batting averages, yards per carry, rpg, ppg, it's all about sleep per night (SPN) and ain't no one in this house swingin' for the fences.  I took Holdie on an early morning stroll as Jodi slept and he woke me up at the baby butt crack of dawn gurgling & gaggaing.  Naturally, we went to Starbucks as that was the only coffee institution that I carefully evaluated could fit me, Holdie, and his big mothership.  we had to wait in a long line, but as Holdie has well-mannered mornings, the extent  of our long line waiting resulted in smiles and a mid-sized vomit of milk breakfast.  The barista was one of the ones that talks to you after you order your beverage and she said: "how's the little one?"  I shifted Holdie's spacecraft and she caught a glimpse of the curdled milk oozing monster mouth and drool shirt- "oh wow." she said, yea oh wow.  oh wow, another day of tired eyes, tremendous beauty, size 2 Huggies, progress and daydreams, Jodi will be back soon, pardon my commas.

a month of momming the holdster: day 25

Day 25: July 25, 2014
Age: 10 weeks, 5 days

not too much to write about today. the other half is working a later shift than usual, leaving me with mama duties from 2pm-midnightish. after a day of bouncing around on mom's lap with no real noteworthy meltdowns (thank god), i just got the little mister to bed and i'm stuck on the couch with an irritable allergy itchy eye and indecision to either have a glass of wine, continue binge netflixing lost, or log in to my work emails. none of the options really sound too appealing, but i'm doing everything i can in my power to not cave and break open the reeses chocolate peanut butter icecream in our freezer. (i didn't get a run in today, so don't feel i deserve a sugar treat). we'll see. hoping tomorrow is a more eventful day and i can get a run and some relaxing with the fam in.

1 month of holdie bear: day 24

Day 24: July 24, 2014
Age: 10 weeks, 4 days

ok. so i knew it was likely to happen eventually, and thanks to alcohol - it did. i forgot to post yesterday! oh well, it's early the next day so i can still whip out a blurb. yesterday was another decent day - holdie had slept until 1:45 am!!! and then didn't wake up again until 5! so it seems my little frog man is starting to sleep longer through the night after all. this is very good news for mom. yesterday H got visits from his uncle jamie and grandma ellie. he was a popular little dude yesterday. i think he also went through something like 5 outfits, too. with his new nighttime feeding schedule, mom has a little extra milk in the mornings and H lacks self control to stop eating when he probably should. this equals 3 different shirts for mom, too. ricotta cheese party! between visits with uncle J and grandma E, H and i snuck in a stroll to winnemac park. mom decided she's finally taking the plunge and chopping off most of her hair. made myself an appointment after much back and forth and decided i just need to go for it. it's only hair, and plus i never have time to do anything with it - and going back to work, i would rather have the extra 15 minutes i'd spend monkeying with it in the morning to sleep or spend with my lil milk dud. so that's in a week. hopefully it's a decision i won't regret - my first 'mom cut.'

then last evening, mom and dad went out for their weekly date night and indulged in probably a couple more beers than i should have. i don't feel bad at all - just mad at myself for blanking on forgetting to post this blog! had a decent night out at hansa clipper and ricochet's with our pal bruno. it felt nice to have a beer with a friend, in public! it's been far too long. almost felt like a real summer night. thankfully, vin doesn't have to work until 3 today, so he helped with the nighttime bottles while i got to sleep off my buzz. i officially have one week and a weekend left of leave - its hard to believe its already winding down. (i know i mention this every day, but its pretty much all i can think about). here's to making the most of it!

a day in the life of mommy leave: day 23

Day 23: July 23, 2014
Age: 10 weeks, 3 days

so i don't think i made it up yesterday - because last nite holdie def slept longer through the night once again! woke me up around 12:30 am, after conking out around 7:45 - and again around 4am. he woke up at 6:30 as well, but i don't count that as an overnight feeding since i'll have to wake up earlier than that soon. plus, that feeding we decided to co-sleep and i was able to feed him in bed. we both passed out. and woke up to eat some more, and passed out again. UNTIL 10 AM. i love this kid!!! now i know i am not likely to hit the jackpot on that scenario again, but i need to document it because it was a miracle, and i love snuggling up to my lil holdie bear in bed. wouldn't co-sleep with him overnight when i'm in deep sleep, but when dad's at work and it's just the two of us, we have plenty of room to sprawl out and snuggle. god, i'm gonna miss this kid when i go back to work.

since we slept in today, we didn't have time for too many battles or hissyfits. we went for a stroll in winnemac park so mom could get an iced coffee, (since trader joes decided to discontinue their cold press iced coffee - boooo, mom now has to buy it again), and holdie got to sleep by the flowers. we came home, had a couple dance parties, fell asleep in the sling, on mom's lap, on our walk - holdie slept everywhere today. he even slept on our evening family walk through the river park (well, dad and holds walked, i snuck in another 5k - perfect weather for it with the cool breeze!). i was worried he wouldn't go down tonight, and i guess he still could wake up howling any second now, but i just succeeded in getting him to conk out in his peapod swaddle during a feeding. such a cute mess, that boy, specially when he's passed out. this makes me think his 3 month growth spurt is about to take place - the nonstop feedings + day of sleepiness = i can expect to find a 6 foot man with the flirtations of a goatee in h's crib tomorrow morning. gulp.

crazy how yesterday was 90 something degrees and now it's too chilly to keep our windows open. think it's in the mid to upper 60s, now. it's nice, though. sucked that it was too hot to get out yesterday with the little man.

not too much more to report on for today - other than we enrolled in the igo/enterprise car sharing program, finally, which i'm supposed to receive my packet in the mail tomorrow. this means mom and dad will FINALLY have access to a car and can get groceries and maybe even sneak in an adventure or two in the next week before i go back to work with my tail between my legs. would love to check out the botanic gardens or brookfield zoo on monday or tuesday when vin's off of work.

the apartment is quiet - h is in bed, v is in the bath. i think that calls for a moment's relaxation with dare i say, a glass of cab?

a day in a month of new mommyhood: day 22

Day 22: July 22, 2014
Age: 10 weeks, 2 days

i have no idea if i dreamed it, or if i was so sleep deprived i forgot, or if it was real - but i THINK holdie only woke me up two times last night before we finally rolled outta bed around 7:15 today. keyword - THINK. because that would actually be too good to be true if my baby really was sleeping longer throughout the night. im pretty much a zombie when i wake up to feed/diaper change, but i'm pretty sure i remember only taking him out of his peapod velcro swaddle twice - and to almost affirm that suggestion, i had twice as much milk supply this morning when i pumped after our 'ok we're awake for good' feeding around 8 today. if this is true, it's an amazing revelation, because it means i might actually have a sliver of a chance of being a functional human being when i return to the office in 12 days. vin and i have discussed the late night routine, and i think we've agreed on us each taking a shift if i prepare bottles - which would mean i'd only wake up ONE time before my new super duper early wake time to get holden prepped for the day//mom prepped for work. but damn. if he actually only wakes up twice in the night? hallelujah. i won't even pretend to get excited thinking about the luckyass moms whose babies sleep ALL NIGHT. jerks.

other than a half decent night sleep, (although you could fool me because i'm still beat as hell as i type this - even when the baby sleeps, it doesn't guarantee mom does. for some reason, even though my days are just spent boobing, diapering, singing, carrying, (but mostly guessing) a little dude, it's getting hard for me to fall asleep at night. maybe its the pending end of my leave. or the spike in heat. or my husband's snoring. or the fact that many of my days i have little to no non-baby related conversations or external stimulation. i dont' know. but it's not as easy as it should be to fall asleep. maybe i'm just too tired? catch 22.

i did discover a new holdie trick today, though. before, we had tried the backpack carrier - which works for laundry and essential errands. and we had attempted the maya wrap sling before, (which he wasn't a fan of), but today - i don't know if it's his enormous new size and better ability to hold his head upright - or if he's just coming around to it, but it turns out holdie will tolerate the maya wrap sling, and actually fell asleep not once - but twice today after being tucked into the crevice between my armpit and boob while i bounced around in vain to blur and feist. (i kept trying to move his head away from my armpit and boob, but mister wasn't having it, he liked to nap there). the fact that he was hysterical with no techniques working to soothe him in both instances, but then conked out within five minutes on each occasion in the sling means mommy has a new favorite accessory - regardless of whether or not i look like a hipster/hippie/farmers market mom.

also? holden decided today that drooling is his new jam. he loves it. a lot. dude slobbered all over the place. think it's sticking around. so i guess that means it's time to bust out the bib wear.

holden is very cranky right now. he's been fussing and yelling and sputtering for the past couple hours since his dad got home, (who is currently pacing the apartment as i type this). as a result, i too, am a little cranky. but at the same time, whenever i start to get grumpy or crabby, i need to look through the 300 some images i have stored on my iphone to remind me what a little sweetheart he is. (funny how i adore looking at the photos and videos of my son, while simultaneously rolling my eyes or holding my breath when he starts to squawk not a foot away from me in his napper). it's mornings like today, while in the midst of our feeding he did the pursed lips, butt in the air, spine arched and big stretch routine that i live for. i noticed he was making a series of goofy mugs, and managed to catch the following images - all expressions not 10 seconds apart from one another.

i'm gonna miss my lazy mornings with this dude. even when he's a bitch to his mom.

31 days of holden root: day 21

Day 21: July 21, 2014
Age: 10 weeks, 1 day

even though today was a monday, it was the family's sunday, as hr's dad had the day off from work today. we didn't get the same level of adventure in today as yesterday (not everyday can be as thrilling as a mall trip!) but we did do our best to get outside and make the most of the summer day, as hot as it was. holdie got to visit our favorite taqueria today (even though he slept the whole time), we hung out at wells park and watched a bunch of juvenille delinquents throw bread at squirrels and try to trap pigeons, and the boys even joined me on a stroll for my afternoon run through the river park. holdie had a bit of a rough go this evening, experiencing his first tummy ache all week and just being an overall tired fussbucket, but low and behold as soon as we turned on the fleet foxes, smiles were everywhere. such a weird kid. i don't even like the fleet foxes. vin kinda does more than me enough to know the songs more than i do, but i never hear him listening to them - we stumbled upon them accidently and noticed holdie light up when he heard it. ok, fleet foxes it is. it beats annoying crap like pharell or other bullshit top 40 hits, so i can tolerate some beardos if it means my marshmallow man will cease shrieking in my eardrum for 15 minutes. sure.

he's in bed for the night (for now), but we've been having difficulties getting him to go to bed at night. i hope it's a phase, especially since 2 weeks from today will have been my first day back in the office. (gulp).

what i really want to do, though, before i go back, is rent a car for a day and take my son to the zoo. or botanic gardens, or really, anywhere public that we could enjoy together as a family on a nice summer afternoon outdoors. it's hard to believe he's getting so big, so fast. at the same time, sometimes all i want to do is click the fast forward button so we aren't as confined to the apartment as much. catch 22, i spose.

there's not really too much more to report, today, other than the hunt for a new apartment isn't going as well as it had previously seemed. it's looking more like we may just stay put for another year. we can make it work, i just get nervous thinking about holdie crawling in this place - we'll def want more room and will have a crapton of childproofing to do if we do decide to stick it out. one thing at a time, though.

right now that thing is to sit back and just take a deep breath. just finished folding a load of laundry (85% holden's, 15% mom and dad's). dinner's cleaned up. the kiddo's in bed. and i've got maybe an hour before it's mom's bedtime, too. no help from dad tonight for the midnight feedings/diaper changes, so i'll need all the rest i can get.

a month of motherhood: day 20

Day 20: July 20, 2014
Age: 10 weeks!!

today was a day of many firsts. 1) my lil boogeyman is 10 weeks old! wow! 2) holdie went to the mall! 3) mr. h peed in his eye! 4) mr. h peed in his mouth! 5) mr. h pooped in the bathtub! (after deciding a bath would be the most effective means of calming down a hysterical baby who had just pissed all over his face while we were in process of changing a massive poopy diaper). 6) we (ok, dad) inadvertently discovered that HR digs white folksy  beard rock! (fleet foxes)

so it was a nice day. (other than the poop/pee catastrophe). it's always nice, though, having dad around. you can see the joy in holdie's face when his dad plays with him. not to mention, mom gets a little relief with midnight diaper changes and dealing with fits. today i actually got the relief of going shopping! i don't even like shopping. but grandma sassana took us to the mall today and i got to replace all my maternity granny panties with new underwear from victoria's secret, buy updated work blouses for my return in 2 weeks, some jewelry for work so i don't feel like such a frump, comfy tanks that aren't stained in milk from the gap and undereye concealer to hide the baggage from sephora. so nothing super fun by any means - more 'real life' slash 'i survived maternity leave' must haves, but the fact that i got to go into something like 7 stores without a baby attached to my boob (who, by the way, is literally attached to my boob right now - not this second, he's in bed - but all day today and yesterday - we had a 75 minute feeding today after the poopie bath time, and 20 mins later he was hungry AGAIN - i'm praying its his 3 month growth spurt and not a new increase in appetite or i'll have empty 8 year old boy boobs at this rate. . .). going into stores, buying things, trying clothes i don't even want on? FREEDOM, PEOPLE. FREEDOM.

plus an added bonus, we got chipotle. this bitch here loves her some burrito bowls.

exactly tomorrow and i'll be at work in two weeks. ugh. but i gotta admit i felt nice putting on nice clothes. not that i miss the binding feeling of work clothes, but i feel like a real adult in a pencil skirt and blouse, vs. a stretched out tank top and mesh athlethic shorts. maybe i'll even get used to brushing my hair? HA!

the best part of my day today, though, was when i met up with my mother in law, husband and baby boy after rummaging around in express for a while, and seeing h's little round hammy face light up with glee when he saw my face and heard my voice after being apart for 20 minutes. oh man, heart melter. god save the future girlies who's hearts he'll end up breaking 20 years down the road. it'll be the biggest heart breaking yet amazing experience at the same time, the first day i come home from work and see his little face. hopefully he'll still remember me after being gone 8 plus hours. if not, i'll crawl in a hole and cry. i love my baby boy. now if only he'll let mom and dad have some peace and quiet for an evening to kick back and enjoy a couple cold brews like the married couple we are.

31 days of holdie bear: day 19

Day 19: July 19, 2014
Age: 9 weeks, 6 days

My little marshmallow man had yet another good day! although he sure as heck refused to nap with the exception of a handful of 15-20 minute nod-offs (don't count, in my opinion), so while mom didn't get anything accomplished today when dad was at work (on his regular day off), we at least spent the day smiling instead of shouting and screaming. my little dude isn't so little! on a whim, i looked up sizing charts for 3-6 month onesies, thinking holds' outfits were getting a bit tough to take off without pissing him off to shout everytime i tried to peel one off over his head. sure enough, he's officially in the 3-6 month onesie sizing zone, despite him just turning 10 weeks (not even 2.5 months!) tomorrow. yowzers. dude also fits in size 2 diapers already. jeez. if this is just regular holds, i'm nervous to see what his 3 month growth spurt is going to look like! will he be taller than me??

he is getting easier to carry, and i do see him starting to recognize certain toys, patterns, and especially his mom and dad. his potty habits are back in the normal swing of things with daily movements, so there's less shouting and screaming due to an upset tummy, which makes everyone's life easier.

today, i finally sorted through all the photos i've taken on my leave to date and created a couple hard copy photo albums, as well as sent some pics off to both sets of grandparents. we had one photo album that would hold 28 photos. for said photo album, i narrowed our 200+ printed pics down to 95. seriously. after about 8 back and forths, we finally paired it down to 28. but it wasn't easy. which means holden's going to have a much more thorough documented childhood than yours truly. but then again, it's not like vin and my moms were passing their days away on maternity leave playing paparazzi on their iphones at every slight grin or hamface. (thank god, actually).

not too much to report else today - little dude's in bed for the night and i'm doing my damndest to enjoy a new glarus spotted cow before i too, turn in for the eve. tomorrow we've got a field trip to the mall so mom can buy some new clothes for work and maybe real life, too - first time shopping since i got knocked up last year. we'll see how it goes. .  .

a month of motherhood: day 18

Day 18: July 18, 2014
Age: 9 weeks, 5 days

my son is a ham. an absolute ham. an intense ham. this little boy - he's an intense dude. seriously. today was actually a really good day (again). sure, bedtime was not an easy task tonite. (see top left photo - that's the face of a young man who would NOT stop screaming unless we removed him from his crib after 3 failed attempts of 'letting him cry it out'. being set in his velcro swaddle on the couch with mom and dad? silence. yet hammy. after he would pass out? put him back in the crib. and more screams. after the 4th or so attempt of bedtime (ok, i relented and nursed him a 3rd time after beginning mommy's glass of wine - i had 2-3 small sips over 20 minutes and i still breastfed him - so sue me, at least he's finally asleep now, and i should mention i still have 3/4 my glass untouched in front of me). . . but yeah. the ham's asleep now. (maybe).

the long photo on the righthand side? that just shows how awkward of an ox my intense little ham is becoming. little man skipped bathtime last night on account of mom and dad assembling his crib and grandma watching him. typically, we wait until around/after 6pm to give him his bath so it's part of his evening routine, but after he pooped himself 3 times! and then rinsed himself off with a golden shower (not 20 minutes after i cleaned/folded the laundry, including his clean for about 16 minutes changing pad). so i succumbed to an early bath around 3pm and it was a milkneck and ear cheese harvest! little man was gross. so gross. but he's clean now. i promise i'm not a neglectful mother. i definitely learned the lesson of holden being one of the 'bathes every day' babies. the pediatrician said some go 'as needed,' or 'every other day.' yeah - my ham's a stinky boy.

the lower left hand pic is just me being a bully. H was being a ham and playing with his food and preventing me from finishing folding laundry. so i punished him by putting a pair of (clean) mommy's underwear on his head. i'm sure he'll thank me for that later.

but really, it was a good day. somehow, i managed to get the laundry done (thanks, baby sling!), took the garbage out, dyed my hair (and showered! thanks to the one solid 45 minute nap H snuck in this morning), gave the cats their medicine/trimmed nails, picked up around the place, assembled the monkey mobile onto the crib, and even managed to get a solid lead on a new apartment (new to vin - old to me, the same place i lived from 2008-2010 with courtney and carrie - fingers crossed that we get it! hope to check it out on monday, would be right across the street from winnemac park which would be perfect for playdates with the little dude, (so long as mommy removes her underwear from his head)).

here it is, 9:10pm, and even though each day melds into the other like there's no separate distinction between days/dates of the week/month, my biorhythms must be telling me it's a friday, because despite my lack of constant sleep (i'm sporting some serious impressive baggage under my eyes these days), i can't sleep nor do i want to crawl into bed. but instead of having my other half helping with nightly duties tonite, he got jipped into working weekends until i go back to work, so has to rise and shine around 4something am tomorrow, so there will be no beers/movie/hangouts tonite. that's ok. i have my glass of wine and my iphone to keep me entertained and i'm sure i'll crawl into bed by 10. (living on the edge, amiright?)

sometimes, though, especially since my days of leave are VERY numbered (only 2 more weeks - NOT HAPPY), i wish i could have a little more - not freedom, but experiences?? maximize the time off with my family? something to remember it by. although, all the other mamas i've talked to say their maternity leaves too, were a blur of drowsy sleepiness, so maybe this is just how it goes. the fact that my leave coincided with summertime is just an odd blessing/curse.

whatever. if i can get 2 weeks like my past 2 days, i'll be a happy, happy mama. something tells me i won't be quite that lucky, but i still will love every minute i can get with my little man - happy hamming or insistent shrieking. he still needs me and that's one helluva feeling that can't be replaced by anything.

31 days of the little man(ster): day 17

 

Day 17: July 17, 2014

Age: 9 weeks, 4 days

today was a day of observations. the most important one? my son doesn't hate me! or life! or my husband! just certain days. today wasn't one of them. THANK GOD. we had a smiley, flirty, lovey day up until around 3pm when he began to let out his first whimpers, without a full meltdown until after grandma came to relieve vin and i for our weekly date night around 6pm. date night = crib assembly, 2 slammed beers, potbellys sandwiches + mcdonalds for dessert. crib assembly = 2 hours, being fat ass gluttons, 1 hour. #lincolnsquareyuppieville. so yes, i've had 2 beers. much deserved/needed, may i add.

but not only was holdie bear a downright sweetheart treat today, there were other observations i noted today. a) my son is slowly but surely becoming a fatass. or as i sugarcoat it, my little 'ham,' or 'marshmallow man,' but straight up, dude pretty much doesn't have a neck anymore. just chins. chinville 5000. plus rolls on his arms, wrists, legs, butt, all over the place. they're adorbs - but man, he's becoming a chubster, alright. 'specially when he begins sucker punching me in the boob like, 'more milk!' ok, fattie. . .  b) his hand/mind coordination is definitely improving - he'll hit the rattles and know it's him making the sounds; he'll follow my voice and any toys i dangle in front of him to follow the sound with his eyes - he never used to do that and c) dude''s got mad drooling capabilities now. it started with harmless foaming at the mouth, which i interpreted as 'mom i'm hungry,' but now i'm realizing it's more less, put anything, ANYTHING, in my mouth. so i can drool all over it. it's almost cute? but kind of gross.

i'm kind of in love with the idea that my baby's brain is growing, and as a result, so is he. don't get me wrong, i can totally relate to all the other mothers/mommies who tell me to treasure these moments because they go too fast - but i also am convinced that most of them have selective memories and forget the days like i've had earlier in the week and the hell they went to and fro the first couple of months of mommying a newborn. but also, i'll admit i found no joy in packing up holds' first bundle of outgrown newborn onesies/outfits. kinda sad. how will my lil baby boy never fit in his anchor booty shorts and beach bum belly t? aw man. dang. he's a big boy now.

speaking of being a big boy - i discovered last night that we do have a solution in place for H kicking/punching his way outta his swaddles at night, resulting in mom getting no sleep (although i gotta admit, i've been looking worse for the wear on a daily basis - them under eye suitcases are quickly transitioning from overnight bags to weeklong getaway gear - ouch) - instead of wraping homeboy up in his regular muslin swaddles, i dug out the velcro doo-dads that he hates and put him in one of the hardcore burrito wraps - he bawled himself to sleep last night and tonight, but lo and behold, mom only had to wake up 3 times last night vs. a million. so between that and the crib, there's transitions galore for holdie's bedtime - but he's in bed now, so fingers crossed they'll play out until my maternity leave ends in two weeks.

two weeks. seems like no time at all. super bummed. i love my little man -  specially when he smiles.

a month of maternity leave: day 16

Day 16: July 16, 2014
Age: 9 weeks, 3 days

I wish i could say today was a better day than yesterday. but i can't. holden's been up to no good at feeling no good. he's currently screaming his head off in the bedroom. he's super pissed that a) he's in the velcro swaddle me swaddle vs the usual loose muslin blanket swaddle that he can super ninja kick and punch his way out of (the velcro version is a bit more kickproof); b) we're ignoring his crying fit; and c) well, he's just always super pissed these days. not sure if my teething theory plays out at all - he sure does like sucking on anything near his mouth, my shoulder blade, my finger, his toys, pacifier, bottle, boob, etc., and he's starting to get his old man drooly on. but that could also be just because he's a baby. all the theories getting thrown my way have either a) been tried in vain multiple times and failed; or b) shot down by the doctor (aka - acid reflux or any other health condition, homeboy just got a clean bill of health at his two month checkup last friday and he hasn't run a temperature at all).

but now he's quiet. so i guess the test of letting him 'cry it out' worked. (this time). we'll see how easy it is for me to slide him in the velcro houdini proof swaddle after his midnight/2am/4am/6am feedings and how quickly mom will cave and put him in the usual blanket for him to bust out of. ugh. rough day.

i at least did get a run in. those always help. i do feel physically better. just mentally drained.  i don't want this blog to just be the 'poor me, i have a colicky baby' blog, though. because nobody wants to read that shit, but at the same time i refuse to just paint this rosy generic picture of, 'oh yes, motherhood is so grand. sure, gosh, i'm tired and could use some more sleep, but my precious little beautiful baby makes it worth every second. i sure love every moment i stay at home with him.' i mean - yes. he is awesome and cute as hell. and yes, i love him every minute of every day. but i also kind of not hate - but get extremely exasperated, of his nonstop crying fits. everyone says 'it'll get better,' 'its just a phase,' 'give it another couple of weeks,' and man oh man i hope they're right. if not, well, like i said yesterday, my patience is surely growing by the day.

the little dude did have another nap in bed with me this morning, for a whole 90 minutes this time! i will admit i do dig the morning naps in bed together. he can be SO CUTE when he's asleep. (and awake - but not shrieking). with the exception of the smiley pic in the collage above, i felt like the few minutes today he wasnt screaming or sleeping, but actually seemingly. . . content? i was nervous. so nervous. i realized this 12 and a half pound baby ox is the scariest person/creature in the world. because he's a ticking time bomb. and can go off and just YELL at any minute. like right now, for example. the wimperings have begun/resumed once more. thought he cried himself out for bed? yeah right, mom! psych! he was just saving energy for round 2! (full blown screechings, now).

WHY, THOUGH? 8pm is his bedtime every night! and he barely napped at all today!

i love him. i love him. i love him, oh so very, very much.

mommy needs a cocktail. sigh.

mom on a mission (surviving maternity leave): day 15

Day 15: July 15, 2014

Age: 9 weeks, 2 days

here are some pictures of my son in his bear hoodie. because he is cute. and because he is being good in these photos and not screaming his head off. this was following an evening of no sleep for mommy. holdie went to bed last night around 7:45 pm, woke up at 11:30pm, 1:15am, 3:00am, 4:30 am (to which he did not fall back asleep until around 7 am - that was a fun one), and 9:00am. his mommy is very tired today. typically, he had been going down around 8 and sleeping until midnight, and then 2.5-3 hours per break in between. now, he cries in his sleep. i sit up, tired as hell thinking no way could it have been two hours since i last served him - and lo and behold i'm right, it's only been 20 minutes. yes, he's crying - but his eyes are closed. and he's still in his swaddle (this time). i'll stand at the foot of his pack and play and stare at him in disbelief and he'll suddenly stop kicking/crying (for now). 30 minutes later, same thing - except his feet will be out of the swaddle - or an arm. or both arms. and i'll hear farting. or i won't. since he woke so frequently, there wasn't even an appetite at each wakening. or a dirty diaper. just an unhappy baby.

this morning, though, once i finally caved to the conclusion that sleep just wasn't going to be in the cards for me today/tonight, and had my iced coffee and brought the little monster out of the bedroom into the living room. (our final nap between 7-9 was a particularly difficult one to put down - he only quieted down after i tried a combination of letting him sleep swaddled on my chest (but he has a super hard fucking head to be laying on my clavicle - 88% head circumference, and it weighs like it!), and then unswaddled beside me in the bed in the crook of my arm, with the blanket up to his knees. i know you're not supposed to co-sleep, but the only way he'd FINALLY sleep would be to nurse on my side at which point i was able to trick him and roll him off my boob to pass out in my arm.) but yeah, this morning. anyway. i was tired (still am). but after the caffeine kicked in and holden and molly (my cat) finally let me eat my blueberry muffin, holdie seemed in good enough spirits. very, very needy and controlling, but happy (enough). i sang loudly to hall & oates, tears for fears, blondie, david bowie, hot chip and hot hot heat, while bouncing him on my knee, sitting him on my stomach, jumping him up in the air, making his little legs dance, placing him in the sling on the side - cradling him like a baby - anything that required him being held - and he was fine. hell, he even let me set him in the napper maybe two times this morning. but he needed mom, that much was plain to see. the one break i got was when he was mesmerized in his playmat and actually started swinging intentionally at the musical rattle dangling from the beams. so at least he's progressing with his coordination and understanding that he's responsible for the movement/sound being made - that was actually cool.

he also gave me a handful of smiles. so that was sweet.

he also had two poops today - one resulting in staining the outfit you can see him sporting above (he is in his fourth outfit within the last 12 hours - that's where our mystery spike in laundry has come from) - so it's not like gas was the usual culprit ailing him today. and he did have one real nap today. and he ate plenty. and didn't have a fever. and wasn't puking (except this morning spit up). 

so why is my son being a gigantic asshole? i mean, even more than usual. insistent wailing. 

i think, maybe he's teething? or starting to? 9 weeks seems extremely young/early to start, but i did ask the pediatrician on friday when to expect this fun adventure to begin, and she said 'any day now.' i'm not sure if i'm seeing things, looking for an answer/explanation why my son seems to be possessed by the crybaby demon, but i do (think i) see a budding white lump in the back lower right hand side of his mouth. vin says he sees two white lumps budding under the gum int he lower middle. i don't know. i've googled the shit out of it (because what else can i do?), and while it seems like it's not a super common occurrence, it does happen, and the symptoms of his recent drooling/mouth bubbles, nonstop crying (including in his sleep), nursing but not eating and then spitting around my boob and sleep regression may all be signs/symptoms of teething. i mean, he's always been a bit of a fussbucket, but this is out of control. and if he is actually teething, it seems poor vin and i will never get a break from the insanity. he's so small he can't even hold a teething toy to bring to his mouth, let alone understand the correlation of giving himself something to self soothe.

my friend jenny sent me some chart that showed a correlation of age in weeks and 'stormy' and 'sunny' time periods. according to the chart, holden would be in a 'stormy' window. (goddamn right). and a 'sunny' break awaits us just a half a week away.

good lord, i hope so.

holden is my little hambone prince. i love the dickens out of him. he brings me so much joy and laughter and love. but he's also turning me into a sleep deprived zombie.

before i had him, i considered myself moderately impatient. that means i was probably super duper impatient if i was only aware of a moderate issue. 

now? this kid is turning me into a goddamn saint in patience. only he, can put me through the trials and tribulations that i've gone through the past 9 weeks, and still keep me composed enough to smile and kiss his milky stinking head with 150% love in my heart. and the real test in patience? i'm not opposed to eventually having another one and going through it all over again.

does that make me a martyr, too? (please, oh please, i hope the little baby dinosaur lets me sleep tonight).

a day in the life of mommying HRS - day 14

Day 14: July 14, 2014
Age: 9 weeks, 1 day

today was the final day in my husband's 3 day weekend and the first day of my last 3 weeks off on maternity leave. i'm really starting to get bummed out about returning to work. i'm going to miss my little man terribly. every day he is slowly getting bigger and becoming more and more of a person, even if some of those days he just becomes a bigger asshole. at this point i'm realizing that not all babies are this mean/crabby, and that vin and i may have scored the jackpot on the cuteness factor, but lost the lottery on the crabby/colic zone. dude gets pissed - for no reason. some days, even bicycle legs with colic calm with sing songs with tummy rubs with mom's boob and the monkey chair - no dice. it is what it is. i'm ok with not getting sleep anymore. and when my husband made a comment to me today that, 'this is hard, don't you  miss sleeping?' i commented something along the lines of, 'yes but i'm used to it. one smile = two temper tantrums. his smiles are more and more frequent, so as long as he keeps slinging those out, it's so easy to forget about the meltdowns, my heart simply explodes when i see that goofy hambone grin.' best feeling ever. can't wait until he starts laughing.

the highlight of my day today (or maybe even weekend?) was this afternoon when h was being a fussbucket and i took him into the bedroom to nurse. after i realized he wasn't as hungry as he was letting on, and he was fussing, well, just to fuss, i thought i'd punish him with some tummytime on mommy's chest. (he hates tummytime, but the doc said we need to start doing it for an hour a day, when admittedly, we barely do a quarter of that for the reason that H screams like a banshee). when i realized that he wasn't shrieking or struggling to get off me, but rather, was cuddling my chest and looking about, relaxed, i couldn't believe it. he passed out, listening to my heartbeat, snuggling my chest. slept a good ten-fifteen minutes when i got bold and scooped him off my chest and placed him flat on his back on the bed, in the crook of my left arm - to which mom and son both cuddled and passed out for a half hour nap. it was the best nap of my life. holdie cuddles better than any kitty ever can. cuteness overload, mom heart explosion.

i hope to sneak in as many more mommy and me naps in the bed as possible in the next three weeks, although i won't get my hopes up if H is all 'yeah right' next time i try it. i still had today, and it was pretty dang special. daddy also got some quality cuddles on the couch this afternoon, with holdie laying on his chest (and puking all over him on multiple occasions). despite the temper tantrums, h is slowly turning into a cuddle bear - when he's not gassy, angry, hungry or sleepy (which is maybe 20 minutes of the day).

the little moonman got put to bed an hour early tonight due to his temperament, so i think it's time to check in on him to make sure he's finally passed out. maybe i'll even get a shower tonite!

31 days of holdie potato: day 13

Day 13: July 13, 2014
Age: 9 weeks!

well, last night was my 'big night out' that i had been counting the days until all summer. can't believe it's already come and gone. the show was super awesome and exceeded my expectations. had a blast with my staci. now all i have left to remember it by is a dull disorienting ache in my existence. i suppose this is my first hangover in nearly a year. (i don't miss it. at all). luckily for me, i stuck to beer and played it safe so i dodged the aching head/nausea bit. it's tolerable. lucky for me, my husband manned holdie bear all night until i was physically alert this morning. i didn't go nuts or anything, but i can attest to waking up to the rudest awakening i've ever experienced at 6am today - breasts of fire! i mean, seriously. OUCH. i was smart to pump before i went out last night around 6:30/7pm, but i forgot to express any milk when i stumbled home around 1, and it wasn't until i woke up and had to pump and dump literally 15-20 ounces of milk that i understood the concept of sore breasts. jeez. i am officially never drinking 6 beers while breastfeeding ever again, just to not have to experience that. craziness.

the show was good, though, and it was worth it. veruca salt played all my faves from american thighs and 8 arms to hold you. sound was super tight and spot on. i drunkenly typed a set list in my iphone, the misspellings and typeos take me back to my freelance days when i used to get blitzed at shows and take notes for miscellaneous reviews.

holdie's been a little needy ham all morning, but i missed him last night. it's good to be back with my boy, although last night was a nice break to remind myself that i still exist as a non-mother identity.

this blog sucks. i can't concentrate for shit today. but it's a post nonetheless, and an excuse to post a pic of my growing lil man. til tomorrow. . .

a month of being holden's mama - day 12

Day 12: July 12, 2014
Age: 8 weeks, 6 days

today was a good one. although it's not over yet. sure, holdie woke mom and dad up at 5:30 am, fussy as all hell for no apparent reason. a dosage of baby tylenol (because we were at wit's end and figured maybe yesterday's shots pissed him off?) managed to get him down for a nap between 7 - 9, so we got some sleep - but not enough for the big day ahead.

i'm not even sure what we did for the first half of the day - i think vincent got groceries and i just played bicycle legs? but around 2, we wound up strapping h in the carseat//stroller combo for mom/dad's date to yuppie street fest, square roots in lincoln square. i knew it would be up our alley because if nothing else, we wouldn't be judged for being parents with a) visible tattoos, b) drinking craft beers, or c) having a baby in attendance. mom had 3 beers and has quite the buzz going on currently. (don't worry, i stressed about this day for the past 2 months and have sufficient backup milk supply prepped with dad). we watched a clown. seriously, for entertainment. to 'don't worry, be happy,' until vin turned to me and said, 'i've never felt this white in my life,' to which i ended his sentence with the quip - 'and enjoyed it.'

had some laughs. had some beers. had some sunshine. and some exercise. now i'm all made up, (but apparently take too long 'getting ready,' according to my husband - who doesn't realize i am fortunate to maybe, maybe apply deodorant AND brush my teeth in the same day maybe 2 days out of the week, so fuck yeah, i'm going to take as long as possible to put my makeup on and do my hair the one day out of 60 i have to make myself look 'cool' for a concert).

anyway. pizza just dinged on the pizza pizazz. holdie's a little crabby because it's the witching hour, but daddy's currently singing him a diddy along the lines of 'you're so golden, mister holden,' while pacing the apartment. ima cut that pizza, pump and dump so i can enjoy the next 8 or so hours as a free woman for the first time since august of last year, and then hopefully enjoy the shit outta my favorite band from 9th grade's concert at lincoln hall with my cousin in a bit.

a month of momming holden: day 11

Day 11: July 11, 2014
Age: 8 weeks, 5 days - TWO MONTHS OLD!!!

what. a. day.

what a day. i mean, seriously. first off, holy crap, my little sweet baby boy is already two months old, as of today. he's growing so big, so fast, right before my very eyes. so much so, that during his two month pediatrics visit this afternoon, i learned he has doubled his birth weight and my lil peapod is already 12.5 pounds! 24 inches! that's exactly 2 feet! if you stacked 3 holdies on top of one another, he'd tower over his mom and dad. whoa. he's in the 96% of length, 56% of weight, 88% of head circumference. my little man.

the doc visit calmed most of my mommying worries, i got assurance from the doc that i'm doing everything i can the correct way i can, and that my lil man has a perfect bill of health. we ended the visit with a series of shots which i'm positive killed me WAY more than him. having to restrain his rolly poly hands/arms while the nurse held down his legs to administer the shots - the expression of hurt, sadness, confusion, betrayal in my baby boy''s face as he locked eyes with mine and then let out a 100% genuine REAL cry/sob (not the fake 'i dont like this' fussy wail), the sob that was so hardcore it was silent the majority of the time his mouth was wide open. . . oh man. the nurse ended up giving ME a hug after. as did the registration/check out lady. i guess they're used to first time mamas having a hard time. i know i did. the way he nursed his hand and my shoulder to calm himself down before i could offer my breast. good lord. i don't even know why i'm writing this down, to be honest, this isn't exactly something i want to remember. good thing i get to repeat it in two months - although at least then i'll have vincent with me and i'll know what to expect so i won't feel so vulnerable. . .

i think we dodged a bullet on the lil dude copping a fever, at least. we did administer a dose of baby tylenol, when he got super fussy with real cries, just in case he was in any pain/discomfort - but he did go to bed fever free. and while i wasn't home at the time of bedtime (thank you, dear husband), i hear he was down at his normal bedtime. breaks my freaking heart.

so what kind of mother isn't around to put her sick/sad/tired/ailing baby to bed when he needs her most? the kind of mother who mommies not just human babies, but feline children as well. i'm a cat lady. obviously. i love them. kitties are (were) my everything before hrs joined us 2 months back. so i felt like a shithead not being able to offer up my 100% cat loving momminess to our 3rd kitty, mr. lyle. he's a total sweetie, and almost too aggressively assertive in his need for attention/cuddles. it obviously became a quick problem, too, that he was able to scale our 40 inch cat fence to our bedroom with his mad leaps - like a cow jumping over the moon. he would headbutt and force cuddle during nursing sessions. or try to sleep with us at nighttime. things that non mommy jodi would enjoy. it's not that mommy jodi couldn't enjoy these same signs of affection, but my mother tiger instincts would just get annoyed and toss him half heartedly off the bed, dismissing/disregarding any love for the hairball. i realized i wasn't a fit (cat) parent. beans does her own thing, and just nurses her cat bed when she gets lonely. mols is skittish, anyway. female cats are way more independent than male cats, it's a fact. so i realized it was time to find mr. lyle a new home. plus, throw in the fact that vin and i are currently apartment hunting for a new home come september/october, and the majority of the ads we come across either have a 2 cat limit or a per pet charge that we quite frankly can't afford - it just wasn't a good/sensible/responsible fit.

so thank goodness for friends - namely sheila. not only did she offer to take him off our hands, but i trust her a million and ten percent that she'll be able to provide a loving home for lyle and give him all the affection/attention i couldn't afford. ashley and i dropped him off at sheila's place tonight, and the little dude was shaking so bad in the cat cage, but never yowling or fussing about the way my two other cats surely would. and he poked his head out the top of the cage, looking about but never trying to run away. and when he got to sheila's place, he casually strolled outta the cage into her living room, like, 'yo wassup,' made his way to the food dish and chowed down like it was his crib already. unless he freaks out, or sheila's other cat has a huge problem with him, i think he'll be super happy. and that makes me super happy. but also super sad that i let him down and coulnd't provide that environment for him myself.

'if you love someone, set them free.'

so it's been a tiring day. an emotional one. jodi mommy caretaker instincts have been kicked into high gear. and now i'm enjoying a new glarus, two women brew, listening to the click clacking of me writing this blog an the tap tapping of my husband winning the nba playoffs (at least virtually, anyway) on his ps3.

holdie's in bed. it's summertime. we have a 3 day weekend together, with plans of checking out the square roots festival in our neighborhood with our son tomorrow/sunday. and i get my first 'non-mom' full night out with my sister tomorrow to see my favorite teenage band play at one of my favorite venues with enough milk pumped to make a dairy cow blush.

here's to a good (and hopefully less emotional), weekend, kids.

a month 'off' of work (yeah, right) with my lil dude - day 10

Day 10: July 10, 2014
Age: 8 weeks, 4 days

so that blog post i wrote yesterday? about no longer being held captive by my 2 month old marshmallow? yeah - that went out the window. today is the exact opposite of yesterday. where yesterday was happy get shit done day - today is 'oh my goodness everything is awful, you're lucky you got to brush your teeth day.'

why, you ask? oh, just the usual cause, pooping. or lack thereof. the little man used to be on a daily schedule, and then reverted to an every other day. as of now, 2:12pm on thursday, he hasn't pooped since about 48 hours ago - and that was a 'light' day following an usual 'heavy' day.

so the little dude's stomach is hard as my husband's toenails, and his farts are ranker than my sports bra after a 5 mile run in 90 degrees- what little farts i can get out of him. despite (3!) doses of colic calm, and approximately 7 consecutive hours of bicycling and leg squat exercises with mommy, h is still in rough shape. he's been in good enough spirits, all things considered, only mildly fussing, vs. hysterical wailings, (which i can't say i wouldn't have already succumbed to if i were in his shoes). but today's been one of those couch or diaper table arrests, where i got no shit done. at all. i was supposed to remotely join my work's monthly board meetings i typically run to listen in and get caught up to speed on the project, but as my son frowned at me and would only find comfort in my arms when i cradle him like a baby (which he only lets me do when he's sick/tired/sad), i realized i was an idiot for even considering joining work today. i'm on leave to take care of my son. so that's exactly what i'm going to do. take care of my son.

resuming right - now. the fussiness i mentioned is now starting to produce tears.

mommy's heart - broken. mommy's sanity - starting to crumble. . .

mommy + holdie bear: day 9

Day 9: July 9, 2014
Age: 8 weeks, 3 days

i'm not sure if it was the 63rd consecutive night of interrupted/crappy sleep, combination of said exhaustion plus vivid creeptastic nightmarish dreams, the 80+ degrees, the stockholm syndromesque yet need to escape, anticipation/dreading of work approaching and my leave ending, or that it was just time. but today was the day. the day that i refused to let my half pint infant son continue to keep me hostage on the couch. today, the 'fine, fine, i'll get up' wake up call of cries at 8am (after at least 4-5 interruptions between 10pm), was the alarm i've needed. the iced coffee i poured myself wasn't any more magical than those i consume every other day, but for some reason, i quit lazying around. today, i decided to get shit done. despite my needy yet so adorable lil blob.

today i exceeded any expectations i could have possibly ever had.i somehow managed to care for my little one and not skip any feedings, diaper changes, with limited naps (he didn't go down for the first time until around 2 today! normally he snoozes most of the morning!). i figured, if stay at home moms can somehow keep house, run errands, and take care of not only their new infants but other children, i had to get off my ass. so i did. and i somehow miraculously managed to: scrub the inside of our refrigerator, dust/clean off the electrical appliances, straighten up all the random crap lying around the house (easier said than done - we had a lot of random crap about), organize my socks/underwear drawer (i.e throw out those maternity granny panties and one off mismatched socks), reorganize our huge bookshelf so it didn't look like a lazy librarian vomited all over it, do 25 crunches, make myself (and clean up after it!) a hot lunch (sure it was just a pack of liptons noodles, but it sure beats the usual cliff bar!), organize our living room closet and the super scary plastic bins inside it (something even my mom refused to help out with when she visited), hang up clothes that had been lying around far too long, reorganize the baby table (ie changing pad, diaper station, clothes, misc. baby gear, etc.), clean the bathroom, restock all the liquid soaps in the apartment, log an hour and a half of work/email catchup on my work laptop (while nursing - multitasking, yo), and my biggest accomplishment yet? DOING A LOAD OF LAUNDRY BY MYSELF!!! (well, not technically by myself, with holden, which made it even more tricky to maneuver). i busted that kiddo in his front baby carrier, macguyvered our dirty clothes into a garbage bag in a granny shopping cart, and hauled that shit down the back alley into our laundry room. had any hobos been drinking in their usual spot behind the neighbor's garage (for reals), they probably would have invited us to join their club we looked so nutty. but goddang it, i managed to sort, carry, wash, dry, fold and put away the laundry with a baby strapped to my chest.

this mama is proud.

sure, i didn't get my run in today. but i figured 15 miles the past 3 days, and the fact that my husband and i got h some fresh air in the stroller when vin got home to pick up dinner (taqueria el asedero, bitches), evens itself out. and here i am, 12+ hours without stopping and i haven't completely crashed yet. (oh, did i mention i managed to get the little guy bathed AND in bed by his usual bedtime, too??!)

and even with all that housework/running around and mommying, i still had a pretty quality hour+ flirting/fun session and major smiling competition with my little man smack in the middle of it all.

today i proved to myself that i can do it all. or at least, what i need to. here's to looking forward the remaining 3.5 weeks with my little man, NOT on couch arrest.

a month of maternity leave: day 8

Day 8: July 8, 2014
Age: 8 weeks, 2 days

today was a day almost like any other day. i spose they're all a little different, but the fact that mom didn't get a chance to get outta her milk soaked pajama top and shorts or put on deodorant until her daily afternoon run at 5pm was similar to the past few days. got another 5 miler in tonite - that's 15 in the last 3 days. don't anticipate i'll be able to keep this up for long - actual plans are in the works later this week, but for now i'm just enjoying it without any set expectations. and i'm feeling great afterwards, if you can disregard the sweaty mess i evolve into for the following 90 minutes.

holds and i had a pretty chill day, he had his usual melt downs, i combated them with iced coffee and a cliff bar for lunch. last week vin and i indulged our tech wishlist and splurged on iphones. did we absolutely need new phones? no. we never talk on them and our past devices were plenty sufficient for texting, which was their number one purpose. but the internet was 'slow'. and we were eligible for an upgrade. the real reason i permitted the expense? SHEER BOREDOM. because tending to a wailing infant or sitting around while he snoozes every other hour is only so entertaining. it's not like i can get dolled up and ready for a social engagement while he snoozes because as soon as he wakes up - back to couch arrest. so yeah, i bought us iphones so i could take better pictures of my baby boy and play stupid, brainless games. right now i'm embarassed to admit i've been nearly addicted to a combination of angry birds and that ridiculous kim kardashian game. I KNOW HOW SAD THIS SOUNDS. what's even more sad? this stupid kim k game, you like, earn points doing different superficial tasks to become a superficial superstar. instead of scoring 'vanity' points, or 'romance,' though, i kept sending my avatar to work a dayjob. to make money. kind of the opposite of the point of the game. i think it was around hour 2 of playing this ridiculously addicting game this afternoon and making my avatar go fold clothes at her 2nd retail job that i realized - wait. i cleared with my doctor and HR department to like, actually work, at my job, this week if i so chose. not really wanting to work and dreading turning on my machine, i realized however that my time would be better spent getting caught up to speed remotely at my REAL job instead of some ridiculous kardashidan fake job, earning REAL money instead of fake virtual money that would just buy my fake character a fake condo. because, you know, my son needs REAL health insurance, and whatever time i can put in, albeit brief, will go towards his premium bill. five hundro bucks for his premium in july. so i figure, yeah, maybe it IS worthwhile to turn on that dusty dell. so i did. and i called my boss. spent maybe a total of 2 hours on/off throughout the afternoon while H snoozed working with IT to get access to my accounts which had expired the past two months, checked some emails, and got an idea of what i could work on in the next month, as i pleased.

i will admit, it wasn't as fun as folding clothes at my avatar's fake retail shop, but i did feel much better about myself. it's a tiny bit stressful knowing my boss now may have expectations from me on my leave and that i feel jipped out of my leave, knowing there's potential responsibilities waiting for me - but i made it clear that i cannot commit to any time sensitive tasks, and that holdie is my number one priority. plus, i can always bill work for checking emails/making calls that i'd probably have done anyway. so i can probs put in enough time to at least cover the health insurance and not have to tap into my savings account.

so that happened, today. just hope i didn't open pandora's box. while i kind of like being a smelly, disheveled couch potato with my babe, i'll admit the idea of work both stresses me out, but also made me feel good about myself (just a tiny bit), when i felt the gears in my brain start turning again. like, oh wait, i do have a brain. i can follow this concept, and for a tiny bit second, i even got upset when i noticed something fell through the cracks after my departure that others didn't save/pick up on. proved to me i do have a place on the team and am a valuable asset. and more importantly, that i'm more than a pair of boobs.

back in mommy world, though, today was holdie's 'on' day for pooping. but he wasn't pooping. so i had to dose him with another smack of his juggalo juice (colic calm), and we finally got the big finale we were waiting for. but he wasn't happy about it this time. he got sent to bed early, and (for now) seems to be dozing quietly. i'll give him another 40 minutes, tops, until we start hearing desperate fake crying, realizing he was jipped out of his seconds of titjuice. the piglet. the sounds he was making this morning for his 5am feeding were so grotesque and animalistic, i wanted to toss the piglet back in bed. i felt embarassed and bad that we were waking up his dad, since we typically take fieldtrips to the couch for feedings, but figured H would be sleepy enough to let us stay in bed for the last feeding since his dad had to roll out of bed in 15 minutes anyway. instead, he took it as an invitation to grunt, squeal, slurp, cough and god knows what else as he continuously punched my boob, wild eyed. that's my boy, though.

he's got his 2 month check up on friday. while he passed the 8 week mark on sunday, his official 2 month mark is friday, and i'm a bit nervous to take him to the pediatrician for all his shots. i know he'll be in a bit of discomfort and will shriek his little head off. i only hope i'll be able to comfort him the way a mommy can.

maybe a bath will help him afterwards. my little man sure loves his bathtime. in fact, that was the only cure to get him to stop shrieking from 4pm onwards until bedtime. homeboy loves getting submerged in his sinktub. can't say i blame him, a nice warm bath always calms down his mama, too.

that's it for now. i'd like to say i'm going to go off and do something productive, but knowing me, i'll prob just start playing superficial games on my iphone. 3.5 more weeks, gotta live it up somehow. at least i'm honest with myself, right??