whoa. can't write lately. don't know why. picked up some extra assignments with diff peeps but all i seem capable of completing are tasks with deadlines. tomorrow i have two. so tomorrow i will complete two. but good lawd, i wish i had the motivation to write more for me. haven't had much energy to apply for jobs, either. this whole week was a waste of time. just slept in way too late and went to bed way too early. slummed. but right now, while i kind of want to stray away from personal posts rambling on inner thoughts or whatever, i'm giving into it because this is the first time i've felt like typing ANYTHING in something like 2, 3 weeks without an assignment.
this sounds dumb, but matchbox 20's '3 am' popped into my head randomly (don't ask me why, i must have heard it subconciously in a gas station or something.) i actually hate matchbox 20 and rob thomas. and that song in particular. but when thomas sings, 'babaaaay. it's 3 am and i must be lonely.' i realized that it's well, actually 2.5 hours past 3 am, but i am still awake, and dare i say, lonely? maybe. . . but actually, i don't think i am. i think i'm finally turning the fantastical page in my head where i desire the hypothetical happy ending that will never happen (at least today or tomorrow). characters need time to develop. plot needs time to thicken. we can't keep living the same story on repeat or you get stuck with a shitty doomed to be cancelled sitcom. (god, why am i such a sucker for cute boys??!)
today/tonight actually gave me a lil bit to mull over with my current lifestyle. sleeping all day and drinking all night: not healthy. not healthy for obvious physical reasons, but more for my emotional/mental state. sitting in apathy/not being motivated to color outside the box : i'm my own biggest enemy. i have to get the fuck out there and do it. patience : it truly is a virtue. maybe that happy ending will come along, just with a twist ending. (after this evening i'm starting to think anything may be possible).
who knows. i have tendencies of being dramatic. (or a brat, as told by one person in particular). but i also need to quit selling myself short. quit settling. quit holding my breath. a job/boyfriend/perfect life is NOT going to fall into my lap. in fact, i guess i don't really want any of that noise. but the job i at least have to TRY to attain or i'll wind up with my ass in the street sooner than later. at least tonight i got the opportunity to network like mad and met some valuable new people. that's good, right? effort. step in the right(ish) direction.
god, my back is sore.
what am i even rambling about.
it's 5:30 am and despite my mind racing a million miles an hour, my body's screaming for rest. i have many adventures and musical thingies to write about. hopefully tomorrow will be the day these rise to the surface.
but tonight, the only additional composition penned from yours truly is a lullabye. to myself. in my head. to go to effing sleep. (bone bone bone bone bone bone bone). . .
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