it's happening (again).

my mind is whirring at a million miles per hour. my physical being, feels jolted. by electricity or some sort of urgency. in actuality, it's most likely an over measured french press with an abundance of more caffeine than is good for me (or anyone, for that matter). i thought i could slow it down with a heavy lunch (chipotle instead of my trader joe's salad). but that didn't help. i thought maybe chugging some water would dillute the caffeine in my being, but no dice.

so it leads me to wonder if the caffeine really is to blame. or if its just a thing i'm going through. or maybe, i'm finally having a nervous breakdown resulting from not sleeping 8 consecutive hours for the past 6+ months.

something makes me think though, that it's something else entirely. earlier this morning, david lynch and mark frost confirmed that they were bringing twin peaks back for nine new episodes on showtime in 2016. anyone can google the news release and find out all the exciting details (lynch is directing all 9 episodes! if the first season back is a success, more could possibly come in the future!), but it's more than the fact that my fave show of all time is coming back, hopefully to answer many of the open ended cliff hanger questions that have haunted myself amongst millions of other fans to the cult classic tv show. (is coop still stuck in the black lodge? did anyone survive the exploding bank? where's bob? will we ever get a glimpse of the white lodge? will bowie's secret character from fire walk with me ever be revealed/referenced?) i could go on for posts and posts about how excited i am for the return of this show. but that's not what this is about, i don't think.

instead, it was about this time, six years ago, that i first introduced myself to twin peaks. and the feeling of awe that overtook me, consumed me when watching this quirky mini drama classic. the deep feelings of 'despair,' and loneliness that were taking over my real life in my real world. how TP was my escape mechanism. feeling trapped, in the polar vortex of '08 before the polar vortex became a thing in 2013. surviving my first real break-up- and realizing i had only 1 friend in the biggest city i'd ever resided in. growing up, independently, and being really bummed about it. now, i look back at that winter, when agent cooper, shelly, norma, bob, and hell, even dum-dum deputy andy, were my closest allies, and i wish i could live it all over again. the sadness. the loneliness. and look back at 25 year old jodi and tell her, DUDE, seriously, it gets better than this. enjoy your me/alone time and this opportunity to find yourself. soak it all in. grow, grow, grow. it hurt at the time, but the months i spent between my scratchy sheets, alone with an orange furball, under the twinkling of brokeass christmas lights illuminating my bedroom wall, that cold ass winter was the turning point in my adulthood, from post collegiate wisconsin transplant to independent, youthful city jodi to big girl job mom jodi. the nucleus of my 20's.  i wish i could time travel and screw it all up and be sad all over again. why the hell i'd want to do that, no idea. but it sounds so appealing. ordering sarpinos hawaiian lover pizzas and knowing the characters in david lynch's screwy universe had it worse off than me.

i survived that winter. and came out a stronger woman from it.

now since i've heard the news of its upcoming return (but-how-the-hell-will-i-handle-waiting-2-years?! AND do-i-have-to-buy-cable-now??), i've had the haunting chorus of beach house's 'silver soul' on repeat in my head non-stop (it's happening a-geh-eh-ah-eh-ah-ennnnnn). which then just makes me want to re-read watership down (as that was the book club read in 2009 when i was obsessing over Beach Houses' Teen Dream) and rewatch the two seasons of twin peaks. all. right. now. beach house. twin peaks. watership down. warm blankets. acid washed jeans. bright red shorter hair than i'm even rocking now. even maybe pick up some fake glasses to feel more like authentic vintage jodi. i could go without the heart break and loneliness, although something tells me i'll never be lonely ever again, even when i want to be, thanks to my main lil man HRS. i yearn for the feeling of unknown, and conflicting comfort of discomforted solidarity.

i'm happy to have a family at home. and i'm happy to have security. and love. but i'm even more happy by the fact that i'm starting to find the pieces are slowly coming together, albeit slowly, and over gradual time, of me finding me again. the jodi's jodi i referenced in my former posting is starting to show glimmers of remembrance to herself. and if it means something as simple as rewatching an old favorite cult classic tv binge, sign me up.

i just wish the knowledge that all of these vices i yearn for are within my fingertips' reach would be enough to get the shaking to stop, or at least slow down. i guess i can't handle my blonde roast. or maybe, it's my subconcious telling me bigger things are on the horizon. familiarity of motherhood is kicking in, and things aren't going to be as tumultuous. my reigns are getting tighter. and the new experiences of this past year - both professionally and personally, are going to align and become more syncronized. and these hidden clues from my yesteryears will start to piece the whole damn thing together, and i'll find myself once again. my identity as jodi in her thirties has been in question, who she really is. and i know motherhood plays a huge crucial role in this transition of my fourth decade. it's these glimmers of my past, that are going to help solidify the missing identity i've been struggling with the past year.

delicious cups of coffee. it's happening again.

too much to be coincidence, is it? even if it is, it's a fun one.

or maybe, i just really need a nap. either way, thank god it's fall.