a dedication.

when i was 14, i had it in for this dude. it was some total romeo and juliet kinda ish. he was the 'wrong side of the traxxx' sorta dude. i was the 'not really white trash but sorta' kinda tween.i wore long skirt dresses and had bushy eyebrows. outgrew my deliah's dark blue goth lipstick phase but hadn't quite adjusted to the contact lens kinda spurt. pretended to almost wanna skateboard. not quite hick-punk, almost there.

i remember buying third eye blind's 'semi-charmed life' single on cd. it came in an orangey yellow kind of cardboard sleeve with a cheap black plastic pull-out disc holder. they bleeped out the part about doing 'crystal meth until you break' verse. that was funny, because landis and i  totally knew what they said. we were hardcore like that. stephen jenkins was sort of my dreamboat. (funny, how this preceded my mark hoppus infatuation period but stemmed after my post antonio sabato jr. phase).

i remember this dude i really dug when i was 14. my first real date. or series, really. he's a solid dude. i still talk/know him to this day, although regrettably i haven't spent much time with him or talked to him as much as i should. we lead different lives. followed different paths. perhaps i knew this was our route back then when we first met, but somehow some odd 14 years later we still know one another, and i sincerely wish him the best. but yeah, damn. time passes. and quickly. i met him at a  classmate/friend's wedding thing, at least that's what i think it was. we talked until 5 am, which is a long fucking time for a freshman in highschool. it was in monroe, wisconsin, at some ghetto ass townie motel.

i don't remember much except for innocent punching and sorta not really smack talk flirting. we eventually had a secret makeout session under some baseball field bleachers about a year later when i was a whopping 15 (learned how to pluck my eyebrows, but still into blink 182). it was secret, though. for whatever reason. all i can remember is something about a camoflauge mini dress, ugly yellow platform boots, a bad movie at the goetz theater, and throwing my icecream cone on the ground. even then, i was smooth. mad moves, sweetie.

the next few years were a bit tumultuous. if that's a word. he was the first dude that bit me by the love bug. a lot has gone down since that day. but i remember between the icecream throwdown and the baseball dugout makeout sesh, (still bushy eyebrowed jodi), listening to this song after i purchased the 3eb cd and watching the vid relgiously on 120 minutes, thinking bout this dude. cursing myself, 'HOWS IT GONNA BE'  and just wanting, waiting, watching to run into him to silently mouth the lyrics, whether it be the mcdonalds drive-in in monroe, walmart, or his cousins trailer park.

here i am, 15 years later. and still applying this song to past dudes. the thing is, they don't deserve the right to this teenage angst. if i were to pick one guy to prove my dedicated angst to, with my bleach blonde back up bassist and bald sweet sungalsses bro to jam to, no dude i've known since i was 19 deserves this credit. i kinda wanna mouth to every ex homeboy "hows it gonna be, when you dont knoooow me, ' but i know it already. its gonna be you snooze you lose whatever dawg. whereas, to my 14 year old boo, i still think of you dude. you have a wife and child, and i am eternally grateful that you finally found happiness. like, legitamatly, cuz let's be real, we were'nt supposed to be. even in 9th grade.

but i am happy i got to experience raw emotion at14-15. and here i am, 28, and still reflecting fondly, to 3rd eye blind's hows it gonna be. no anger, resentment, bitterness, exactly how it should be.

to all yall post dudes, sorry, but even though itd be righteous to dedicate this noise yer way, you dont ruffle my feathers enough. you dont deserve my stephen jenkins blue eyed noise. i will only stalk junior high ex-boo's elevators with my 1990s alternative backup band.