it's not going to stop. until you wise up.

tonight i stood in the rain for what felt like an eternity. but it wasn't. in actuality, it was probably more like 28 minutes. the bus tracker currently stuck on '2 minutes' or 'arriving now,' whereas it must have been the ghostbus from ghost world because that shit never came. i was in a really strange mood. not gloomy. not sad. in fact, if anything, i've been on a really great path lately. seeing things for what they are. phases in my life leading in more appropriate directions. more positivity. sans manipulating mind games. you know. wake up call. and it turns out it's pretty nice to be awake.

but seeing the rain. it wasn't cold. it wasn't warm. it was steady, quiet, and real. the white flashes of sky lightning, without any jagged bolts. just flashes of white, illuminating the dark sky. the wetness reflecting the christmas hues of red and green from the stoplights onto the surface of slick ashland avenue. the desolate streets without their typical traffic. the wetness in the air. my glasses smeared, and foggy from the rain. still i stood alone in the bus stop, waiting, patiently for once if you can believe it, for the forever delayed number nine.

after my recent download music kick, you'd think i'd be in paradise with my ipod. pop in some old animal collective, some gritass tyler the creator, pepped up go! team or fuck, even that new guilty pleasure lady gaga single. but nah. instead my thoughts turned to the apathy and numb void of yesterday and i hypnotially rolled that wheel up to my a's where i landed on aimee mann. the magnolia soundtrack. this film. this soundtrack. so fucking heavy. yet, these songs of hers strike and affect me unlike any other female songbird. i never really had any personal memories or instances that these would allude to, nor do they remind me of anything in particular. but recently, on that goddamn busride through the snowtacular of northern wisconsi last weekend, i had some time for massive overdue personal reflection. these songs played on shuffle.

wise up. it's a message. to all of those in need of a new personal path. i guess this was me, a month or so back. stuck on this circular path of self destruction, intentional or not. knowing i needed to 'wise up' and face the music. the future. and step into a new pattern. which i did. and now in retrospect, i realize it wasn't just me who needed this education, this straightening up. it's so fucking cliche and lame, i know this. but come on. it's not going to stop until you fucking grow up. and if you don't take chances, you're doomed to lead a very miserable existence. after about 7 consecutive listens to this track, i yearned for yesteryear. the days of argyle, wisconsin. where it would rain and rain and rain and rain. and i would sit on that damned stoop on 503 north state street. and maniacally run into the bare streets and scream. throw my body down the hill into the park across the way. get sopping wet. dirty. and just lose myself.

i really wanted to run into the streets of chicago tonight. not to get hit or anything, there were barely any cars present. but just to lose that grasp of reality, the struggle of balancing pain and pleasure. of knowing what's right and wrong. of having to feel. i just wanted that release. and to just escape the world. even for five seconds. but the flash of lightning brought me back. and the song eventually changed onto 'save me' which then brought me to the present day. of how i am where i am now - emotionally, professionally, physically. i'm in a very good place. it's not always simple every step of the way, but for the first time in my adult existence, i feel confident and assured that things are as they should be. i smile more than not. i'm comfortable. i look forward to tomorrow. even when stress is running rampant, i know that everything is going to work out. i've found my strength. that slap in the face that i neeed for so long finally came, and now my eyes are wide open.

i have finally allowed myself the privilege of happiness. but i still sit here in my bed, curled up with my cat in my feet, holey flannel cocooning my body, wishing that things hadn't evolved in the ways they have. people have been hurt in my life recently and i almost feel guilty or ashamed that i'm doing so well. my mother has called me a few times in the recent days and i wish there was something i could do for her. my friends have undergone some shitty personal times and i feel bad that work makes me so exhausted that i'm unavailable for friend/shoulder to cry on movie nights. i feel bad for things out of my grasp and control. is this the control freak in me? perhaps. i would be lying if i said there wasn't a tiny part of me that wasn't still angry. angry with the world. with individuals. with circumstances out of my reach. angry that i'm angry. but as each day passes, i begin tofeel a stronger wave of calm. i'm ok with things. i'm allowing myself this rite of happiness. taking the path that feels right.

in 2.5 weeks i'm going on vacation with someone that makes me fucking happy. typically i wouldn't splurge on last minute impulsive trips to mexico, but what the hell. after the year i've had, i fucking deserve it. i think it's karma, or something. i was blinded for so long, that i finally wised up. took care of myself. got my life back to pieces. and now it's time for me to reap the rewards.

i guess, what i'm getting at is that it's not too late. after my own personal do-over, i realized there's still opportunities. for second chances and new beginnings. just know, it won't stop. until you make a change.

which is precisely why i did not run into the rainy streets this evening. but instead, bit my tongue, and eventually changed my iPod to the new radiohead album instead.