private eye(s).

hall & oates + alkaline trio in one blog post? i must be drugged up. (i am).

legally, of course. i'd never wanna break the law or anything like that.

this is the first afternoon i've had off from work with the exception of early release or trips to external meetings.i'm home, at bed, eating an icecream treat in my undergarments, listening to ridiculous music with a halfway molesty/halfway marble brained creepster named lyle. it's ok though, he's a cat.

i probably shouldn't be blogging, let alone youtubing videos from my past, as my doctor told me to go home and sleep until dinner - but fuck that, i'm not wasting my time off from a crazy work week to sleep. i'll sleep when i'm dead. (or later tonite, at 10pm on the nose).

but yeah, lasik man. had round 2 today. that was a trip. for some reason, i forgot about how fucking insane the procedure was until i relived it today. i blame it on my nerves of steel i had last year, given i had to undergo a double lumptectomy on both breasts to remove potential cancerous masses. that operation seemed much more scary than having some 2001 space odyssey noise zapped in my eyeballs.

today wasn't scary, per say. but totally bizarre and surreal.. maybe it was because i spent my morning at the state building, discussing policies for state wide healthcare legislation. and then, had to rush down the street for a quick zap. whatever. i'm totally out of it right now. i feel like a cliche stoner type from a john hughes film. or like, sean penn from that fast times movie (that i've never seen).

i go into the office, and it's pristine as heck. after i get slipped some vallium i get some crazy light show eye tests completed. then, because they incised flaps in my cornea last year, i was fortunately relieved of the procedure again, and they instead just numbed my eyeball up, shined a hella bright blinding white light on my eyeball, and proceeded to poke at it with some sort of tiny crochet hook. i couldnt feel pain, persay, but i def felt pressure, and saw a metal device coming at my eyeball. then they lifted they somehow re-opened the flap for me, and shit got jerry garcia weird and swirly.

after that, i moved into some crazy ass equipment room with 'DANGER' signs on the door, alerting all to beware of the lazers inside, especially those with pacemakers.

cool.

they scotch taped a makeshift paper pirate eye patch on my left eye since they only operated on my right. they then put some sort of weird ass sheet on my right eye, all the time i'm completely reclined in some sort of dentist chair with the blood slowly rushing to my head. next came the clock work orange aparatus to make sure i couldn't blink, all the while drowing my eye ball with drops. meanwhile, my mascara is making me resemble a less unstable courtney love. (i blame the business clothes).

they placed me under the lazer, and keep in mind, my cornea flap is still folded back so shit is blurry as hell. the lazer's making all these loud ass clicks and bangs, but i'm so subdued on pills that i dont even care. just laying there like a slug. 'don't move your eye,' they say, 'the lazer is coming now,' while some dude is reciting transcriptions along '16 seconds, 1.4 meters, sassana,'. i guess it only took 16 seconds? i wouldn't have even noticed had the BURNING smell not invaded my nostrils. so wait, i'm thinking to myself, is this normal? why does it smell like a combination of burning hair, flesh and mushrooms? OH, THAT MUST BE THE LAZER EATING MY EYEBALL. that's cool. they slapped a contact on that badboy, made a follow up appointment for tomorrow afternoon, and sent me on my way.

regardless of the sci-fi bizarreness of it all, shit was over and done withing 15 minutes. luckily, my father in law was kind enough to give me a lift home, and here i am not an hour later, with dried sticky icecream fingers, cuddling a creeper cat. the weird thing is, i can already see decent out of my eye. i'm rocking my fake pair of vanity glasses in lieu of sporting the horace grant goggles i'm supposed to wear. this is prob the only legit excuse i'll ever have to wear these since i'm obviously a poser and got eye correction surgery so i wouldnt have to wear glasses, but whatevs.

i wanna eat icecream in bed all goddamn day.

surgery rules.