when i was young, i used to be scared of the dark. not in the traditional, 'there's a boogeyman under the bed' sense, but i would get eerie feelings that there was something else there - and not necessarily in a physical sense. i can probably account it to my freedom in movie rentals even as a little one, (the nightmare on elm streets and childs play series were a regular watch for my cousins and i, even at ages 7-8), and my runaway imagination - but i never got nervous chucky or freddy would be waiting for me at bedtime - although i did develop an irrational fear from the little troll jester from stephen king's 'cat's eye'. (never seen it? it has drew barrymore in it as a kid and there's a cat in a series of stories trying to save her from this jester monster who is trying to steal her breath at night. the fact that this little troll thing (about the size of my fist), had his own little dagger and weapons, and could come out of the wall and then close the wall up behind him, leaving no evidence of his arrival - TERRIFIED me). so i guess that was one of my fears at bedtime. but that was the only thing from a movie that ever freaked me out at bedtime. later in my teen years, i decided i had some sort of extra sense or sensitivity to picking up on spirits/ghosts, whatever you want to call the beings that aren't physically present, but could be felt - and not necessarily welcome presences. i was convinced my childhood home in argyle had some sort of other worldly presence in it - as did my grandparents' farm. as did my senior year college apartment, and a handful of other places i'd stay overnight in. i could use this as a forum to ramble/rant about all my 'ghostly' experiences, but chances are i've already rambled about them in previous posts on here or to you personally over a beer or bottle of wine sometime in the past.
my point is - footsteps. monsters above my head. cool drops of temperature in the room. the unexplainable. that's what used to freak me out at night. in the dark. i've experienced things of this nature even with the biggest skeptics present with me. although, since i moved to the city 8 years ago, these events have pretty much disappeared. so what keeps me up at night now? knocking in my knees? pulling the covers up to my eyes, causing me to hold my breath and pray for the morning to come?
not much. not really anything, really. maybe the threat of a break-in since i do reside in chicago. that would be pretty scary, and legitimately so, but let's face it, i'm pretty safe in the confinements of strollerville, lincoln square. so the only thing keeping me up at night is my husband's snoring.
that is - up until 5 and a half weeks ago, only increasing as each day passes.
the fear of the night that makes me stop in my tracks, hold my breath and stop everything i'm doing/thinking is now my newborn son. i'm not scared in the 'ohmygod is he breathing' new mom paranoia sort (naw, that shit stopped weeks ago). i'm also not scared in the 'ohshit let's call the doctor' way. nope, i'm scared in the - i just rocked this kid for 90 minutes. changed (3) diapers. nursed til my boobs turned to sand. AND paced the apartment in the dark. he was passed the fuck out. and now - i see his shiny, dark eyes glinting in the darkness through the see through mesh window in the pack and play bassinet at the foot of my bed. i see the shadows of his ninja feet kicking, trapped in his swaddle, just moments from breaking a tiny little arm out - at which point he's likely to overstimulate himself back awake, waving his arms involuntarily around like he's at a kanye west concert, hitting himself in the face. the sucking sounds of 'i want another boob.' knowing there's a 50/50 chance that he'll either a) entertain himself into sleep which could occur anywhere from momentarily to 30 minutes and it's best to leave him alone or the sound/sight of my voice/face will wake him back up to full consciousness - or b) he's about to freak the fuck out and start fake cry wimpering, leading into a full orchestral wail, seconds away from waking up my husband who has to work in hours, or freak out the 3 cats or even wake up the neighbors if we god forbid dared to keep our bedroom/living room windows open for the sake of not suffocating in the summer heat and lil h's screams will then echo throughout the courtyard.
so i wait, with bated breath. nervous and terrified of the shiny eyes. and soft sucking sounds. and flailing legs and shaking, swaddled arm.
this is what scares me. and oh good lord, it's way scarier than anything else i could imagine. because really, mommy just needs some sleep. any sleep. and until that sucking stops, she's not getting any sleep, because the instant i dare to lay my head down on the pillow, queue the alarm. and then even when he stops - the shiny eyes finally do shut - the snores from my exhausted husband and combined sleepy coos of my infant keep me from sleeping. or the thoughts in my head of 'oh man, it'd be nice to score a shower tomorrow.' or 'i should really go clean the breast pump while he's down,' or 'i wonder when i'll be able to clean the living room closet - i need to get so much done before i go back to work.' these thoughts will prevent me from sleeping, even when the little one finally decides to permit a solid 90 minute napfest.
sidenote: here's an example of why it's so hard for me to write/post anything. before i could finish my train in thought, come up with some clever conclusion of why motherhood is a tough, yet rewarding journey and this is just one of many lessons i'm currently learning/battling - the piglet woke up from his nap and demanded more milk - now. a couple weeks later, i finally was written by the courageous writer's bug yet again, only to see this unfinished thought was never posted. update - things are getting better - slowly. without jinxing myself, the last 3 nights we succeeded in getting mr. h down before 8:30 pm, where he slept with only 2 breaks until the morning! mom and dad didn't even know what to do with themselves from 8:30 to 10pm. i can only hope and pray that this is a continous bedtime trend. at this rate, i might be able to score my brain back before i return to work in the next month!
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