Day 31: July 31, 2014
Age: 11 weeks, 4 days
well, it seems my month long writing experiment is coming to its close. here we are, day 31 - and while i've only been blogging for 31 days, this blog coincides with the last few days of my maternity leave. i'll be back with more rantings, ramblings and reflections soon - but this will be it as far as the daily submissions go. it's been fun, thanks for joining me (and holdie).
what i've learned in the last 12 weeks:
1) that true love is impossible to capture into words. that parenthood really is the joy that you hear about. the best feeling in the entire world is locking eyes with the most beautiful little person you've ever seen and getting a giant gummy grin in return.
2) the definition of patience. before holden, i was impatient, self-centered, and incredibly anxiety ridden. now i'm just anxiety ridden for different reasons. this little marshmallow boy of mine has taught me the meaning of selflessness and that sometimes, you just gotta slow down. it's not always about you (me), and i'm all the better person now for it. even when my patience is being tested at its utmost peak - screaming and fussing and i'm convinced he hates me, clinging that little bear closer and whispering 'i love you' now, instead of getting frustrated and placing him in baby jail (the crib) is more likely my instinct option. even if the little dude does go to baby jail, i swear, it's only outta love.
3) breastfeeding was the right thing - for me. before i had holden, many women would ask me if i intended on breastfeeding my son. how the hell could i answer that? i had no idea what it would entail, and even though i knew about all of the obvious advantages/benefits (better immune system, bonding experience, cheaper than formula, convenience, etc.), i had no idea if my body would react the way it was supposed to. or if it would hurt like hell. or if the kid would even like my milk. so i would just shrug and reply that i'd give it a shot and see what happens. here i am, nearly 3 months later, and i'm nervous that my job will prevent me from being able to continue breastfeeding my son. nervous, sure, but i'm not going to let it control me. i love my baby boy with all my heart. he was born 2 weeks early, on the smaller side, and nothing makes me swell with motherly pride more than knowing that my nourishment alone, both in my 8.5 month pregnancy and the past 3 months of motherhood, has produced the large, roly poly healthy big ole baby he is today. drinking from my body, which i've taken care of, has solely been his nutrition and subsistence. and i'm proud to say this little dude hasn't gotten sick once, and is if my home scale is to believed, has already reached 14+ pounds. (he was 6 lbs, 9 oz at birth, 6 lbs, 3 oz when we brought him home from the hospital). i understand 100% why some women opt not to breastfeed. it wasn't easy, at first. and health reasons. and sometimes not all women can handle fatass babies like me who keep demanding MORE MILK. i feel for these women, not because they can't breastfeed, but because so many people pass judgement on them. but then again, i feel like some people pass judgement on me or other breastfeeding moms - asking if i have a 'cover', am i 'one of those moms' who breastfeeds in public, have we started 'supplementing' with formula yet, etc. just let the moms be the moms. they know what's best for their situation and their baby. i'm actually pretty shocked that breastfeeding happened to be the right thing for me. i was convinced my body would throw a wrench in the mix (especially with my double lumpectomy last year), but now my heart hurts if i opt for an extra glass of wine and can't feed my son every feeding directly from the breast. i wasn't sure i'd be able to do it at all. i certainly never expected to love it.
4) everything else is white noise. the crumpled up laundry. the dirty dishes in the sink. the run i probably shouldn't went on but didn't. the ongoing ignored to-do lists. whatever. i love my baby boy. and i'm glad i spent every second held hostage on my living room couch this summer that i did. i wouldn't trade ten minutes of it for a week on the beach. (although, looking through past blog posts, maybe i would have back then). today, though, this dude is seriously the love of my life. and i'm going to miss our days of 'doing nothing' when i head back to the real world.
5) people really, really love babies. or at least - pictures of babies. before holden, me and my friends would always bitch about babies. or the pregnant women who would post pictures of their stomachs on social media. 'gross!' we'd exclaim. once i found out i was pregnant, i assured everyone i would never be like that. i'd keep it clean and private, not baby spam up everyone's shit. turns out, even i couldn't stop myself. (one thing i kept my word on - noone ever saw my bare stomach when mister h was gestating - with the exception of my husband, my doctors, and two unfortunate random old ladies who happened to be using my work bathroom a few weeks before i popped and i unknowingly exited the bathroom stall with my shirt rolled up. only after i saw their confused looks of horror as they passed by did i realize my human basketball belly was hanging out. that was one of my more dignified moments.) but then, a funny thing happened. after i had H, people started asking to see pictures of him. so i'd post one or two. and they'd get way more 'likes' than any photo i had ever shared in my last 7 years on social media. for privacy purposes, i purged a good hundred or so 'friends' who i didn't recall ever meeting, or hadn't seen/talked to since i worked with him/her 10 years ago. and i locked my instagram on private private. but seriously, for all the shit talkers out there hating on baby pics? i'm beginning to think it all changes as soon as you give a shit about the mom/dad/kid and they're not just a random acquaintance anymore. that, or the baby lovers are much more vocal than the haters. i'll admit that i have a tendency to overdo it. and i'm guessing once i go back to work, the holden paparazzi show will have to slow down, because i'll be spending the bulk of my day making money to provide for my family vs. watching lost and boobing my little man. but i don't give a shit anymore. i've got a cute kid. ima show him off.
i know there's more to the story. more insightful lessons i've probably learned and will later facepalm myself for not including in this excerpt. but really, it was one hell of a ride. my first excerpt a couple months back, relating to the birth/hospital stay was the intro. this post is definitely nothing close to a conclusion. it's just the ending to the very first chapter in several more to come. the maternity leave. the babymoon. it's fucking breaking my heart, but it's coming to its end. as much as i wish i lived in europe or canada or whatever any other country than the us that gives their parents a WHOLE YEAR off, guess what, i don't. i live in the states. chicago. a pretty great city, albeit expensive and not the safest to raise a baby. but it's home (for now). holdie will get many more walks in the city, visits at grandma/grandpa's house, and be surrounded by his biggest fanclub and honorary aunties/uncles. starting monday, our family will begin a new routine. holdie will have daddy days on mondays, grandpa days tuesdays through thursdays, (and half days fridays), and mommy will get remote days on fridays to maximize the time with her baby boy. and get her ass to work. into pencil skirts and high heels. no more pajamas and messed up hair. (hence, why i'm getting it chopped off in 2 days). let's see if i still know how to make myself presentable and continue on adult conversations. use that other part of my brain. it can't be that hard, right? if i can master the first 3 months of caring for a newborn, and raising him into the porker baby he is today, i can tackle anything.
i'm just going to miss him. oh so much. but we're strong folks. me and h? we got this.
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