men i want to date: michael ian black

i woke up to a text message this morning and saw that i had also received an additional unread text which i apparently sent myself  at approximately 3:05 am. it read of three simple words: 'michael ian black.' oh, the foggy late nights of estelle's and the effects it has on me. luckily for my wallet, (despite losing twenty bucks today somehow after being so proud of not spending it last night), it was a relatively tame evening so i was able to retrace my way of thinking to why i would text myself such a cryptic message. between amazing infomercials of collapsable deep fryer collanders and whatever else garbage is on the tvs at estelles post 2 am, i caught a glimpse of michael and michael have issues on comedy central. seeing mr. michael ian black's mannequin boy like face made me remember my days of lusty crushhood on him. i figure, even though i haven't thought about this wise cracker in a while, he still deserves a place on my men i'd like to date roster.

reasons why i want to date michael ian black:

1. even with his obnoxious facial expressions and mannequin like mug, i still think he's super hot

2. i bet he could help me get a copy of the state on dvd

3. he could totes introduce me to the gang from reno 911/the state. i've always wanted to sing 'AND THE INSPIRATION IS FREEEEE' to them personally.

4. if we went out to like rainbo or estelles' or something, ppl i know would see me with him and whisper, 'hey check it out, jodi's out with that i love the 80's dude' and i'd be super popular

5. he could be fulfill my one time 'older dude' conquest

6. i could see if shit he says in real life are as clever as his tweets

7. he was in wet hot american summer. (maybe an introduction to fellow man i want to date paul rudd??)

8. he makes really convincing condescending facial expressions so i could bring him along to job interviews if they're not going well to pressure the man into giving me a job.

9. supposedly he's got a talk show in works for mtv next year. if this is true and our relationship worked out, i could attend filmings and find out if my suspicions of news anchor john norris are true and that he really is the crypt keeper

10. again, he's hot.

welcome back weezy!!!!

so dudes, today was a pretty special day. for those of ya'll not in the know, mr. dwayne carter III, aka the martian, aka weezy, but probs best known as Lil' Wayne, was freed from riker's island after serving 8 months behind bars for violating some sort of weapon possession charge. (holy run on sentence). while i admit i haven't given his latest ep 'i am not a human being' a single second of my time, (not really diggin' where he's going with this recent bout of experimental 'rock' garbage), but i still got nothin but mad love for this dude. supposedly, he'll be dropping the anticipated tha carter IV on 12/15 - (40 days ieeeee!!!), but any fan of wayne knows he's a pusher-backer when it comes time to throw out shit. not that he doesn't keep his fans happy with leaks and mixtapes or what have you, but let's face it, the carter series are the epitamy of his existence.

tha carter III remains one of my fave releases to this day, and tha carter II is perfect chill-'im-so-street-and-not-a-scrawny-white-girl-from-wisconsin' record. i also feel quite attached personally to him as he drops more oshkosh reps than fellow emcee sean daley. but whatever, i already dedicated a post from 'men i want to date' bout weezy so im not gonna spend more time professing my confusing admiration for him anymore. but cmon everybody, WEEZY'S FREE!!!!!!! i haven't been this stoked since gucci mane got released (but according to what i've read this past week, he may be soon again behind bars for driving on the wrong side of the road, destroying govt property and other badass shenaniganry).

i want a rapper man. 4 realzies. specially weezy, cuz lines like these make a bitch weak in tha kneez.

'abracadabra, im up like viagra.'
'you like a bitch wit no ass, you ain't got shit.'
'i got summer hatin on me cuz im hotta than the sun.'
'thats why she wearin tha jeans that show her buttcrack, my girl cant wear that; why? that where my stash at.'

men i want to date : Stefon Alexander

i had to flip through my archived men i want to date posts to double check i hadn't already rambled about the sexy mastermind maestro better known as p.o.s previously. i'm still having a hard time believing i haven't. . . but whatever. i'm doing it now. mr. stefon alexander is a leading force in both the doomtree collective and rhymesayers family, since i can't really post about wanting to date eyedea out of simple taste, p.o.s is not a bad secondary subject of lust. plus, i've seen him live (both performing and not) several times - so maybe not a likely choice, but one i can at least realistically creep on ala mel on flight of the conchords style.

reasons why stefon alexander is a man i want to date:

1) he has tattoos AND glasses- tattoos are sexy, but glasses are even sexier
2) an incredible hip hop artist, his rhymes are both upbeat yet grounded, simultaneously getting listeners fired up and to give a shit - ain't alotta positive rap out these days
3) he's in GAYNGS so if our date wouldn't go well, he could probs pass me justin vernon's digits
4) i've always wanted to kick it with fellow doomtree goddess dessa, so hopefully if we get married she and i could hang out
5) whenever i'd get pissed off at any of my pals for blowing me off, i'd just have stef rap 'goodbye' to them and i'd win
6) he's minneapolis born and bred - a relocation i would not mind in the least, maybe we even have some of the same friends!
7) his style is so versatile i've seen him perform with fellow rappers, some punk shit and even cursive once - which was kind of awkward, but not as painfully awkward as when i starstruck deer in headlights approached him at the bottom lounge to tell him i was a fan
8) i'd get free tix for rhymesayers events for lyfe.
9) i'd get to kick it with slug on a regular basis
10) he keeps it real with his fans - when he busted out 'purexed' at sxsw in 08, he saw me freak out in line for the portapotties and pointed me out with a big ole grin. made me shudder SWV style all weak in tha knees.

men i want to date (boner remix) : adam olenius

is love at first sight real? how about if you've never actually seen said love in person? is that just creepy fantasy stalking? or is that tug in your heart strings and the weakness in your knees still as legit? fuck if i know man, but i don't have 10 reasons for wanting to date this particular beau. but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't thump like mad crazy when i see/hear this swedish gentleman. i've been a longtime fan of the swedish indie pop sensation the shout out louds since i first spun their 03 (or was it 04?) release 'howl howl gaff gaff'. i could go on and on and on about how influential their album was to me in my college years and how closely i've followed their musical career paths since. 07's 'our ill wills' and this year's 'work' were both stellar releases as well. but you know what? this isn't a music review. this is a man i wanna bone review. and boy oh boy, would i like to become better acquainted with adam olenius. does it matter that i didn't know this singer's name or see how fucking boneable he was in his video up until an hour ago? ab-so-lute-ly not.

reasons why i want to date adam olenius.

1. i'm pretty sure he's the most beautiful human being ever.
2. if he was with me, i prob wouldn't cry (for once) when listening to 'very loud'
3. i want to touch him. very. very. much.
4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEEiJ8Pfch0
5. free shout out louds lullabys to sleep (preferably naked, in my bed)
6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyYd9W3t_Hc
7. do i really need a reason #7? obviously this is the dude of my dreams. i can't come up with a single legitimate reason why i wanna go out with this dude other than the fact that he is an amazing sappy lyricist of an incredible pop band who happens to be fantastically boneable and i wanna do him. so yeah, adam olenius, let's go out sometime, yeah? i think i need to start a new column called 'men i want to bone' and leave super heartthrobs like this outta my clever 'men i want to date' posts. cuz. good lord.

men i want to date : justin vernon

omg. no idea why i haven't thought of mr. vernon sooner for this post. there are probably 1,000 reasons i could come up with easily why i wanna date him, but this quote alone makes me wanna DIE inside. (from this amazing pitchfork interview with the best news i've read in my LIFE). "I'm just living in Eau Claire, not really leaving for much. I go to the farmers market, go to the studio, go home and play with my cats. I don't know if I've ever been this happy, which is really awesome." ya'll know how i feel bout cats. and sconsin's my stomping grounds. droooooooling.

reasons why i wanna date justin vernon

1. i know he's a hopeless romantic, cuz let's face it, if he wrote 'for emma forever ago' broken hearted, imagine what he must feel at the heights of a romance. HOLY SHIT.
2. he's a wisconsinite. i'm a wisconsinite. we could just eat cheese curds and drink leinenkugel's and spotted cow. i would move back to my home state for him.
3. his falsetto pipes get my girly feminine side all in a tizzy.
4. i could hang out with GAYNGS on the weekend. hey p.o.s, dessa, WHAT'S UP?
5. did you read that quote above? HE LIKES AND HAS CATS!!! (any dude with kitties is def a winner in my book.)
6. if we dated, i wouldn't feel so sad/depressed when i listen to 'for emma forever ago' anymore.
7. he's really adorable, in that skinny, dirty, midwestern kinda way. i don't wanna date no boys prettier than me.
8. HE COULD INTRODUCE ME TO KANYE WEST, DUHHHHHHH.
9. we could sing 'your love' together after getting crunk on some IPA's.
10. i would probably be the happiest girl in the world with him ever. jodihasahugecrush.com

men i want to date : charlie day.

oooookay. so maybe i'm more in love with the illiterate, pants pissing "fictional" charlie on it's always sunny, but regardless, this dude's squinty facial expressions and excitable shrieking really lights my fire. what can i say? i'm a sucker for short, dirty dudes.

why i want to go out with charlie day:

1. he played a creepy sinister killer guy on an episode of law and order. i mean, LAW AND FUCKING ORDER, CMON.
2. he could introduce me to danny devito and we could all get blitzed on lemon drop shots or whatever he was drunk on with george clooney.
3. if he went home with me, and i had trouble falling asleep, he could sing me 'nightman' as a lullaby and i would probably zonk out immediately.
4. he's technically married in real life, so this could be my one affair with a married man. (talk bout sexxxciting).
5. he's in a movie with jason bateman and jason bateman was in arrested development with david cross, so i bet if we really hit it off we could have dinner parties and invite david cross to tell us some good jokes.
6. there's something about him, 'specially when he's fictional charlie in always sunny that is CRAZY attractive. like, the dirty twitchy, shakey, short, messy hair thing. gets me.
7. i bet when he gets drunk he screams really loud like he does on its always sunny. for once, i wouldn't be the loud obnoxious drunk of the group.
8. my ex-bf's name is charlie, so if i hit it off with this charlie, people would stop me mid-conversation and be like, 'wait, you and charlie got back together?' to which i could bust out bragging rights for dating a famous dude and be like, noooo, i'm talking about the law and order murderer actor guy. DUH.
9. i bet our makeout seshes would be pretty rad. plussss he could bust out green man in the bedroom. #kinkwin.
10. he could make molly some kitten mittens.

men i want to date : joseph gordon-levitt

well, at least i know i have zilch chance in billions of ever nabbing this gorgeous thespian, but what the hell. who cares. for a while i was against jumping on the JGL bandwagon just b/c he grossed me out as that nerdy kid on that alien show with the dad with the bug eyes and the man woman mom, but my female body parts are undeniably in a frenzy whenever i see this cutie's sexy squinty eyes and dissheveled mane. let's face it, joseph gordon-levitt is definitely one dude i def wanna date (screw).

reasons why i wanna date JGL:

1. he is undeniably smoking hot.
2. he was on an episode of quantum leap - that, in my opinion, is pretty badass.
3. he was george on roseanne, i bet he's got some funny deej stories for a first date.
4. it doesn't matter if he has his hair grown out, middle length, or buzz cut, it always looks damn good.
5. he went to college, so he's no mimbo. columbia, at that, so the only thing sexier than JGL might be his brain (but i doubt it).
6. did you see 500 days of summer? sometimes i wish i didn't, but that scene where he drunkenly karaokes to the pixies' 'here comes your man' made my heart melt even though it was totally not real. (but i wish it was, the first man to karaoke this or any pixies song to me will win my hand in marriage, or at least get laid).
7. i just saw a picture of him this week from shooting his current film and he had accidently flipped his bike and landed thru a cab rear window. his arm was very very bloody. part a) blood is sexy on a man, part b) he was smiling about it.
8. JGL is only 2 years my senior, so he's probz more suiting for me than former past men i'd like to date, say like, danny devito or bill murray
9. i want to kiss his face. every single minute. every single day.
10. i read somewhere that he smokes pot sometimes, but not too much, just like, once a month. i bet when he does smoke weed, he geeks out and giggles a lot. this would be really cute, i think. plus, i bet he can afford some really good snacks.

men i want to date : gucci mane

ok. i may be prematurely jumping the gun on this one and may be more infatuated with the idea of SAYING i went on a date with gucci mane vs actually wanting to go on a date with this ridonkulous hip hop dude, but whatever. it's a post and i'm gonna roll with it b/c i've been on a mega gucci MANE kick the past few days.

reasons why i want to go on a date with gucci mane:

1. he's all over lil wayne's mixtapes, so if our date wouldn't work out, he could help me implement my life long dream of carrying lil wayne's seed.
2. he's got his own t-shirts "free gucci mane"
3. he has a horrendously disgusting grill. (if i asked really nicely or freestyled for him, maybe he would get me a matching one!)
4. his joint with big boi is hella tight
5. i bet if he really liked me he'd be all up on gifting me knock off gucci so then i could show it off to all my friends and when they'd say 'ohmygod jodi, where'd you get that gucci???' i could say, 'oh, its just from my boyfriend, GUCCI MANE' so it'd be an ego booster to him and a free purse for me. win/win.
6. his name is radrick, so if we got hitched i bet i could convince him to take my last name, radrick root. i like the sounds of that.
7. HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SICK BART SIMPSON BLING NECKLACE HE WEARS? I WANNA STEAL IT!
8. homie's track 'wasted' is my new fave baller anthem. he and i could get wasted together.
9. i could once again be the talk of the town of argyle for 'dating a black guy'
10. dude, how many white girls from wiscompton are taken seriously for freestyling? that's right, none. but i could EASILY be the first if my first single was co-spit with the help of GUCCI MANE.

men i want to date : diplo

i forgot about my long time diplo crush up until p4k this last weekend. major lazer can be simultaneously obnoxious/annoying as fuck and oh-my-god-dance-party-awesome. only hearing his recorded major lazer stuff prior to p4k, the beeps/bops/boops were ok for workout music but i failed to be wowed. well, after the ruckus i witnessed on sunday, my mind is officially changed. i always loved everything mr. thomas wesley pentz remixed/reworked in the past (i mean, hell dude is credited with working with both m.i.a. and santigold early in their careers), but now it's official. diplo is a man i want to date.

reasons why i wanna date diplo:

1. even though he's blonde and i typically have a no-blonde dude rule, he is fucking HOTT. baby blue eyes, messy, but clean cut hair.  sick. i wanna dry hump my computer screen just looking at him. . . moving on. . .

2. he named himself after a diplodocus. he loves dinosaurs and even has one tatted on his arm. boys who like dinosaurs are probably the most adorable thing IN THE WORLD.

3. dude can make a fucking mean dance party soundtrack. for realz. piracy vs terrorism? bitch, please.

4. homey can get into any show in the world. i'm sure he's got priority for plus ones, free tix to m.i.a and santigold? yes, please.

5. he looks mighty fine in a suit.

6. he could teach me the ropes of daggering

7. we both studied film in college, so it's not like the color of our skin is the ONLY thing we have in common

8. he could probably jump start my career like m.i.a and santigold's. ima be the freshest mc straight outta argyle, wiscompton.

9. i bet he makes his girlfriends really awesome mix cds.

10. if conversation ever got awkward on our date, we wouldn't have to talk. i'd just shove my tongue down his throat instead. i'd be perfectly ok with this.

men i want to date : paul rudd

whoooookay. so i totally thought i already devoted an entry to mr. rudd, so i never really looked back on to verify it or not. but i guess now, sitting here on the hottest night in the world, rapping lil wayne songs into my box fan in my underpants, i realized it's the perfect time to dedicate a post to this sexiness. totally geeky. very much wimpy bro wing man type. i got nothin but infatuation for them lil white boy cheeks. hell, i'll even forgive him for boning his sister on clueless.

reasons why i wanna date paul rudd:
1. umm, he's hot.
2. after role models, he's def got a pretty good handle on the whole larping thing.
3. even though he was a creepy perv, he was in clueless and that movie rulez.
4. he's friends with adam scott (another guy i'd like to date)
5. he just strikes me as the type of polite dapper man who could stand to meet my creepy mom, and hell, probably even smile while doing it.
6. how adorable would it be to be cuddling in a kitty paul rudd sandwich????? GOOD GOD I JUST PUKED RAINBOWS OUT OF MY EYE SOCKETS.
7. he could probably introduce me to steve carrell and that would be pretty cool.
8. he seems like he'd be a good music fest partner in crime.
9. if the first date conversation sucked, we could always just make out.
10. if we hit it off and got hitched, my last initial would still be R and Rudd really isn't that diff than Root, so that'd be pretty convenient.

men i want to date : adam scott

ok, so up until last night i didn't even know this dude by his real name, just by his weird face. but i think i'm in love with him, so who cares, right? i'm not sure i can even muster up 10 real reasons i wanna date this homeboy, but i think i'm in love with his face so i will just make some things up in attempts of being funny and fail really bad. ok? good, it's settled then.

reasons why i want to date adam scott:

1. he has a pentagon shaped face
2. i've had a crush on him since i first saw his face.
3. he's  so ugly and quirky looking i want to rape his guts out it's so adorable
4. have you ever seen 'party down'???? that shit is hilarious!
5. he's friends with paul rudd so could probably hook me up with him if our date didn't work out so well
6. i've always been intrigued by older men (not really), so this could be my one old dude date (i think he's like, 37?)
7. not only was he in an episode of law and order, but also boy meets world, so i could get intros to both the old dude cop with glasses and ben savage. AWESOME.
8. he looks extremely nerdy and skinny and ya'll know how i go for them types
9. he's got a lot of acting work, so could probably afford to pay for my drinks
10. he was on an episode or two of parks and recreation so we could invite aziz ansari to join us

men i want to date : sean daley

it's been a few days since i've rambled about a dream crush. i guess i've been too lazy to daydream or masturbate or something. flipping through my itunes,  i just got done rocking some andrew bird, and scrolling down, boom. it hits me. atmosphere. how many years have i been crushing on mr. daley now anyway? like 7? fuck man, ever since my pal burnt me a copy of god loves ugly, i've been smitten with slug's rhymes and beats. midwest represent, ya'lllllll.

reasons i want to date sean daley/slug/atmosphere:

1. he is so super nice it's fucking ridiculous.
2. after i wrote a review of his show at the vic a few years back, he found me on myspace and messaged me thanking me for such a nice review, closing out the msg "stay safe jodester". JODESTER. i nearly died. any man who calls me jodester is a-ok in my heart (and panties.) *minus any childhood friends or relatives, of course.
3. his live shows are some of the best performances i've ever seen
4. he could introduce me to p.o.s (another future man jodi would like to date)
5. i could crash at his place whenever i visit my friends in mpls instead of having to call 5 diff people and impose on their sofas
6. free entrance to first ave, duh
7. i could have him rap that hidden track on seven's travels where he shouts out to oshkosh, wisconsin, and we could talk about how we both lived there
8. no reason to lie, i've had a lot of lovers, but in my reality it's impossible to avoid it.
9. GOD LOVES UGLY.
10. he's hot. (even with the acne scars).

men i want to date : bill murray

ok, so homeboy is old enough to probably be my grandfather. but i don't give one shiz. have you seen meatballs? i mean, DAMN! dude's hilarious. i will always have a daddy complex crush on bill murray. i don't care if his face looks like it was zapped in a microwave fourteen times and then left for dead. hell, i'll even forgive him for garfield.

reasons why i want to date bill murray:

1. i could assign 'are you ready for the summer' as his ringtone
2. he likes crashing random parties.
3. he was a ghostbuster, could prob hook me up with my old slimer ink stamp set
4. we could go on a romantic golf cart ride
5. babyruth bars.
6. we could party with wu-tang clan
7. he and my mom would probably get along pretty well
8. we could make fun of gwenyth paltrow
9. he could introduce me to jason schwartzman
10. he's bill fuckin murray.

men i want to date : kanye west

yeah yeah yeah yeah, shut up. ya'll knew this one was inevitable. OF COURSE i'd wanna go on a date with yeezy, he's my boy. only the one and only egotistical greatness could pull off that autotune shiz from 808's and still get my hard earned cash in his pocket. love mr. west. always and forever. so as if ya didn't know already, behold.

reasons why i want to go on a date with kanye west:

1. he's got cool kicks.
2. george bush doesn't like black people.
3. he's a gay fish.
4. he cussed out taylor swift. (this made me laff til i was cryin').
5. chicago represent!
6. ummm, have you heard college dropout? graduation? them albums are fucking masterpieces.
7. he could introduce me to jay.
8. he could probably get molly a real pair of kanye glasses.
9. argyle would flip the fuck out.
10. kanye likes girls with big booties, so i'm confident i would fit the bill.

men i want to date : jason schwartzman

i'm almost starting to run out of ideas for this post. i guess dating is prob one of the last things on my mind these days, but let's just say if i quit posting these, there are several celeb crush dates i could be missing out on. so i will stick to my guns and keep on keepin on. jason schwartzman wins this week becuase he's kewl. that is all.

reasons i want to go on a date with jason schwartzman:

1. he could introduce me to bill murray. (AND ted danson).
2. i could assign phantom planet's 'california' as his ringtone.
3. he's a little guy.
4. he's related to that there coppola family, so could prob score me some free bottles of the francis ford red blend wine. that shit's good.
5. we could laugh at how much his brother's band rooney sucks ass.
6. i could get free tix to the wes anderson films and prob some free dvds
7. i'm going to be living with a drummer and a drummer wannabe, so i'm sure if he came home with me, my roommates wouldn't mind. they could probably all jam together.
8. if i asked really nicely, he might even wear that nerdy hat to our date that he wears in rushmore.
9. he's incredibly geeky looking. i find geeky guys to be incredibly attractive.
10. i bet he'd buy me at least one drink and prob wouldn't even complain if i ordered a beer other than pbr. but at the same time, i don't think he'd hate on me for loving pbrs.

men i want to date : danny devito.

so who says you have to touch/kiss on a first date? in this case, i am pretty darned certain there'd be no lip lockin' goin on, but that doesn't mean i still wouldn't love to go on a date with this dude. pretty sure it'd be a memorable experience, anyway. i heart danny devito.

reasons why i want to go on a date with danny devito:

1. twins! he could introduce me to ahnold
2. i bet if i asked really nicely, he'd dress up like shamus from its always sunny for our date with that awesome fake pony tail
3. homeboy gets sauced on lemondrop shots
4. he could tell me stories about throwing mama from the train
5. he likes pretty good music, or at least takes advantage of his celeb status to show up at all the cool indie music fests
6. i think it'd be funny to tower over a dude
7. ggggrrrlrlrlrlrrlrrrrlll go for it, go for it
8. i could call my mom and be like, 'you'll so never guess who i'm on a date with right now,' and she wouldn't.
9. i'm guessing danny devito would probably like the green eye.
10. i wouldn't have to put out.

men i want to date : damon albarn

maybe i should retitle this post as men i'd like to rape. because i would. spike them tea and crumpets with ruffies fo' sho. i've had my heart on this now old man brit for the past 13 years. from the very first "woo-hoo" to his new monkey opera garbage, i'd tap that.

reasons why i'd like to date damon albarn:

1. that mickey mouse t-shirt he wore in the song 2 video
2. his gorillaz cartoon alias
3. he could probably introduce me to his ex-gf justine friedman from elastica
4. he could help me write a kitty opera to coincide with his monkey opera
5. he's fucking hot
6. he likes safe sex (girls and boys, anyone??)
7. if he started talking about boring stuff, it'd be easy to tune him out because of his accent and i could pretend i didn't understand him instead of blatantly ignoring him
8. he probably can afford a car, thus, could pick me up from my apartment
9. i could drunkenly tell him how coffee & tv is my favorite music video of all time
10. i could openly masturbate to him with my eyes and mouth wide open.

men i want to date : ezra koenig

this post needs no explanation. he looks like a cartoon character for christ's sake!!! hopefully one day one of my crushes will find my blog and ask me out. 'til then, ima continue sitting around my apartment half dressed with my head in the clouds, pretending this is normal. HEY EZRA KOENIG, WANNA KNOW WHY I THINK WE SHOULD GO STEADY?

reasons why i wanna date ezra koenig:

1) he could tell me who really gives a fuck about an oxford comma
2) i could borrow one of his polo shirts and take a piss on it
3) make-out seshes with a human japanime character, duh
4) he could introduce me to the discovery dudes and i could tell them how much i enjoyed the song 'orange shirt'
5) he could explain to me the relevance of 'the hills' and provide me with speidi's back story since i have no fucking clue what's going on there
6) he's usually sporting some pretty sweet shades
7) i could tell the town of argyle i'm dating a black guy.
8) we could go to rehab at debonair and i'd be even more hip than hollywood holt
9) i seriously can't stand his childhood looks. must. pinch. those. cheeks.
10) he could sing me songs to sleep, i bet he's a big cuddler.

men i want to date : jemaine clemont

god. for this particular gent i could post like 100 reasons why i wanna bone date him. hilarious, a geek, sexxxy, singer, aaagh. ok, so he's married too. but that can't stop a sister from rubbing one out to the idea of our holy matrimony can it? jemaine, we should totally get together and play that nintendo power pad track and field game sometime. it'd be totally aces.

reasons why i want to date jemaine clemont

1. glasses, duh
2. he'd buy me a kabab
3. if i was ever feeling self conscious, he'd be quick to assure me i'm the most beautiful girl in the room
4. i bet he's friends with aziz ansari.
5. even though our sizes are probably off a little bit, i'd still like to swap some of his clever animal t-shirts/western button-ups
6. he's like an ultra sexy younger jeff goldblum (is that possible? sexy and jeff goldblum in the same sentence? gross, right, but homeboy pulls it off)
7. awkward self-conscious boys are totally hot.
8. he'd probably give me a free copy of the 2nd season of flight of the conchords since i don't have it
9. our first names both start with j, so that'd be pretty adorbs if we were a couple, right?
10. i could finally throw away that crinkled magazine pic i've been jerking to the past year and a half and jerk to the real deal.

men i want to date : chuck klosterman

ok, well this particular gentleman is no longer a bachelor as i learned in his latest essay collection, eating the dinosaur, but a girl can dream yes? despite his nasty gross beard and squinty eyeballs, i think this would still be a pretty memorable date.

reasons why i want to date chuck klosterman:

1. he has glasses
2. his fiction blows (like mine!)
3. it'd be a pretty entertaining argument about metal music - he - #1 fan, me - not so much
4. he sounds so damn self deprecating in his essays i just wanna give him a big bear hug
5. he reminds me of a pabst blue ribbon kinda guy
6. he would give me his honest opinion as to whether or not i should give up on this writing game
7. i bet he likes pizza
8. he looks like a sleepy sheep dog.
9. we'd probably wind up getting really drunk
10. he resembles the epitomy of nerd.