sigh.

i've been feeling a little dark lately. been trying my best to keep my spirits high, cover up any mopeyness. instead, i've just been drinking myself into a series of more blackouts than i'd like to admit. making an ass out of myself. so there's highs and lows. drunk, or locked away in my closed off bedroom. ignoring calls. texts. internet. i'm starting to kinda scare myself a little bit. sometimes i can't tell the difference between my nightmares and reality. how deep, right? not really. just sort of pathetic.

i KNOW i'm the key to my happiness. i just gotta get up off my ass, out in the world outside the confinement of my bedroom walls. apply to more jobs. look for apartments. fuck, leave town for a bit. i ain't got shit here holding me for a while. i could go hop on the next megabus and trek to madison. or minneapolis. fuck, anywhere. but i don't even have the energy to entertain those ideas. instead, i sleep. i sleep probably 18 hours a day. i wish i was kidding, but i'm not. sleep is the easiest escape.

i feel like i'm steering down a slope of insanity. this is all bullshit, i'm sure, but i'm not feeling right. i can't outwardly say this to any of my friends because i get the same reaction anytime i try to hint something isn't right with me, the old "don't worry jodi it'll all be ok, you're smart and pretty things will get better." what they don't know is, my head disagrees with these generic notions. if i had healthcare, i'd more likely be back on anxiety meds in a heartbeat.

i had it "all." or at least, a good chunk of what a 27 year old's supposed to. but here i am now, irresponsible, lethargic, selfish, miserable and alone. i'm trying to write it out. find a job. pick up hobbies. get craft night/book club back up and running. join chirp. get a waitressing gig. fuck, anything, to force me out of this room. but nothing seems to work out. i just keep clinging to false premonitions, thinking time will work things out. this is just a "slump." but not to get all creepy and pity train or whatever, but i've been having some pretty scary shit running through my head lately. i just want to write it out before i self destruct.

even music isn't enough for me anymore. the only day to day contact i'm guaranteed to keep is with my cat. i always knew i'd be a crazy cat lady, but i anticipated that time to come in my spinster 40's or 50's, not late 20's. how do i continue to fake it? put on this fake smile and keep on dancing the happy life parade? i'm not trying to seek pity here, i just really need to know. how does it all work out? talking to people doesn't work. sleeping doesn't make any of the hardships disappear for more than the time of unconcsiousness. my family doesn't give a shit. i can write and write and write, but reality's still stagnant.

do i move? do i meet new people? neither of these seem a viable or realistic option given my state of mind. i just miss yesterday. or next week. or whenever the hell i'll meet someone who can make me smile. give me something to do other than sleep and hide in this bedroom. being a 27 year old unemployed single soon to be homeless person really sucks.

that is all. with this, i will either crank up the a/c and crawl back in bed despite being awake a mere hour and a half or put on a pair of pants.